We were at Step 4 last month. That can be a dark place, going over our past deeds – drenched in guilt, shame and remorse.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Koan: Step by step in the dark— if your foot’s not wet, it found the stone.
~ Shaku Soyen
I see movement here in both the koan and Step 5.
· In the koan it’s dark, we’re not sure where we are going…but we are moving -- only to realize that our foot is not wet anymore!
· In going from Step 4 and now working Step 5, we are also moving. Those who never finish Step 4 remain in the dark – those who complete Step 5 move beyond the dark, toward freedom.
· Eventually completing our Steps (I know, I’m jumping way ahead), we come to realize, now we own our history instead of that history owning us.
Remember the last time, crossing a creek, when you accidentally slipped off the rock? Plunge! Instantly from dry to frigid wet! For the moment, there’s no going back to dry. The universe is wet foot.
The opposite may be happening when our sponsor says it’s time to go onto Step 6. The dark and drenched feeling of Step 4 has been lifted by working Step five -- as if reaching high ground, high, dry, solid ground.
I asked D.H. to write down some thoughts from yesterday’s 12 & Zen meeting:
“For the week before the meeting, I found myself trying to "sit" with the step and the koan. It was a disjointed experience, as if I couldn't piece together the parts of a puzzle, despite knowing that, in truth, the parts did fit together. So I wasn't at all sure where the meditation on Friday night would take me ... if anywhere.
At the start of the meditation Bill referenced Step 4 -- the inventory we make of the "darkness" of our drinking and using lives. As I began my meditation, the reference to step 4 seemed to become a springboard. As my meditation deepened I experienced a recognition that for years into my sobriety I was "doing" steps 4 and 5 around the darkness of my history -- dealing with the Post Traumatic Stress resulting from childhood sexual and physical abuse, with my discovery of drugs and alcohol, and with 26 years of acting out and becoming, in effect, the abuser of myself.
As I moved through the meditation, it seemed as if the koan became a moment-by-moment, breath-by-breath guide. I was able to acknowledge being with the darkness (perhaps observing it is a better explanation) without dipping my foot into it (my foot did not get wet). And so in each moment and with each breath I found the stone on which to safely plant my foot.”
- - -
This same koan on a little different perspective brought a smile to my face.
Step by step in the dark = Do the Steps!
-- if your foot’s not wet, = If you’ve stopped drinking and using,
it found the stone. = Life will get better.
The more I sit with this koan, the more it seems to fit any Step. If you have Type O blood, you are considered a universal blood donor. Give this koan a try with all the Steps. Keep it handy. More will be revealed.
Bill K.