Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Through the torn paper screen


Step 7:  Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Koan:

how beautiful

through the torn paper screen
the Milky Way
Issa

What is torn for you?  What do you see when looking past your “torn-ness”? We come here torn up.  The fabric of our “self” is torn apart… hitting our bottom.  But it’s through this tear, even because of this tear, where recovery and healing begins.

With Step 5 we pray, “Take away my difficulties...” Step 7 is also about doing, an action verb, we are asking our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings.  This is where we find relief.  By doing this, we are also building our faith in our Higher Power…our Milky Way.

When we met last Friday, here is what others said about Step 7 and this koan.


·      Looking beyond the tears in my screen; with the screen being my shortcomings and the untidiness in my life.

·      With a paper screen I only see the shadows, my character defects.  The tear lets me see things in the light.

·      Low self-esteem is my character defect.

·      The paper screen is my shortcomings.  Through the hole (tear) I can see a better way (the Milky Way).  “Take the whole screen away!” A paper barrier is better than a rock barrier, I suppose.

·      Moving from wounded to wholeness, gratitude to appreciation, broken me to me the whole person, in awe of the universe – wholly participating in the Universe.

·      Shortcomings come from my shortsightedness.  I’m moving from a place of separation to connectedness.

·      I have a filter that doesn’t see the good things.  I turned this koan around. The Milky Way, through the torn paper screen, how beautiful.

Being sincere and going about our lives in a humble way is a good place to be when asking
God for help.

Bill K.

P.S. Next month will be our "pot luck" koan.  I'll give you a koan and you tell me what Step came  up for you.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Remembering the Ancestors



We all have ancestors or we wouldn’t be here today.  How fortunate this is, that we are sitting in front of a computer screen this very moment! Every single ancestor of ours survived long enough to produce offspring.  It’s really quite remarkable that we are here – that our ancestors survived saber-tooth tigers, broken legs, diseases, famine, wars, the Black Plague, monsoons, and falling off horses.

Just as our biological ancestors were survivors, so were those who brought us Zen. Not only did they have to survive as our ancestors did, there were also great obstacles in the survival of Zen Buddhism.  A couple of examples from Peter Hershock’s book Chan Buddhism will give you an idea of this.  From 755 to 764, only ten years, “…a combination of rebellion and famine left two out of every three people in the country either dead or missing., cutting the official population from 53 million to only 17 million (P. 32).”  There were several purges of Buddhism in China, one taking place from 842-845; where “…the Tang emperor Wuzong forced over a quarter of a million monks and nuns back into society at large and destroyed nearly five thousand temples and forty-thousand shrines across the country (P. 31).” Linji, our Zen ancestor, died in 866, so he experienced this large-scale purge of Buddhism. He was a survivor.  Our Zen lineage survived.

Being grateful for ancestors is important to me, and to my spiritual practice. My ancestors give me a sense of space, as in where my life fits in the jigsaw puzzle of human history. When I put on my rakusu, I feel a connection to all the ancestors in our tradition, as well as to my teacher’s dharma heirs.  My ancestors give me a sense of belonging, continuity, purpose in this life, and hope for the future.

We have biological ancestors, spiritual ancestors and there are figurative ancestors, too.  I had a career as a state park ranger for twenty-seven years. As I left home each day to go to work, stepping out the door I donned my Stetson (aka Smokey the Bear hat).   The feeling was similar to when I put on my rakusu, except it was the ranger ancestors I was feeling now, the ranger spirit from those who came before me as well as my brother and sister rangers in the world right then.

All Twelve Step programs have ancestors, too, beginning with the first 100 AA members who left us with the Big Book.  I sponsor men, I have a sponsor, he has a sponsor, and so it goes…ancestors reaching back to Bill and Bob who started AA – two drunks who wanted to stay sober but could not do it by themselves. Working together and then with newcomers, they discovered how to stay sober and live good lives.

Even our dog, Ryla, has brought her ancestors into the family.  Ryla is a product of Canine Companions for Independence (www.cci.org/); an organization that trains dogs to be service dogs, facility dogs, hearing dogs, etc.  Not only do they train their dogs, CCI has their own breeding program in Santa Rosa, CA.  They choose the smartest and healthiest dogs to become breeders. We volunteered to become Breeder Caretakers.  Ryla had five litters in our kitchen.  We cared for the puppies until they were about 8 weeks old – then the pups are sent all over the U.S. to volunteer Puppy Raisers for about a year and a half.  After that the dogs go into advanced training at the nearest CCI facility.  Almost 50% of Ryla’s puppies graduated to become service dogs.

Kyra, Ryla, Wyla and Dyla
The ancestor part began by meeting Ryla’s mom, Kyra and her Breeder Caretakers.  Then, from Ryla’s third litter came Wyla who was chosen to become a breeder with a different family. And Wyla, from her fifth litter had Dyla.  Yes, you guessed it; Dyla is now a breeder.  In fact, she just had her first litter a few weeks ago.  Kyra, Ryla, Wyla, Dyla, and the legacy continue – thanks to their ancestors and those who cared for them.

My family, my Zen family, my 12-Step family, my parks family and even my CCI family – I can’t have family without ancestors.  This collection of ancestor wisdom is always available to me, when I listen and pay attention. Remembering ancestors or those who feel like ancestors is a good thing.   Thanking them for all they went through and having conversations with them is a powerful gesture of love that, in some ways, connects us all.

Thank you Grandma Moore; thank you Linji; thank you Park Director Mott; thank you Bill W.; thank you Kyra.

Bill K.





Saturday, June 14, 2014

Step by step ...




STEP 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.



Koan:  Step by step in the dark—
if your foot’s not wet, it found the stone.

~ Shaku Soyen




Don’t you just love it when you have it all “mapped out” – then finding yourself going in the opposite direction – AND it’s still OK?  This is how it went for us last Friday, when I thought this koan would take us in one direction; then two people flipped the subject with opposite views.  This was just another affirmation of the many ways koans show up in our lives.

There’s just so much activity in this koan:

Step by step brought a smile to my face since working the Steps is paramount to my recovery. I have worked the Steps, we are sitting with Step 6, and step by step indicates that we are going somewhere, headed in a direction, and hopefully making some progress.  Entirely ready indicates willingness, a willingness to take steps in some form or another. In the beginning we find ourselves in the dark.  Of course, this is where we begin, in our disease, separated from who we really are.

Not only did I find myself in the dark, I was slogging in a wet swamp of darkness.  I’ve ended up on dry ground, my feet are dry now (well, most of the time).  There’s that point in time, a realization when I became willing or entirely ready.

It’s at that point that I realized my foot wasn’t wet.  I found the stone; I found my way out of the darkness.  This is where trust comes in, trusting the direction I’m headed and realizing that now that I’m on firm ground, recovery is possible.  More than possible, it’s actually happening in my life.

Here are some short examples of what others had to say:

  •       I have to make myself ready by using the Steps and knowing I’m on a good path.  The spirit within me guides me as I’m stepping in the dark.

  •       The rock is a positive; the water a minus; darkness is my powerlessness.  You know, before doing something new, they say you have to first get your feet wet?  Just beginning to get my feet wet was me doing my Steps.

  •       Water played the main role.  Water equals emotion, and water equals the Tao.  My defects and up being a huge barrier, like a big rock.  Water can wear down a big rock.  My Higher Power can wear down my barriers … and this also reminds me of Step Seven.  [A couple of people said they didn’t like the word “defects” in the Steps and much preferred the word “barriers”.]

  •      I’m not slogging in the dark anymore.  This Step helped me to climb onto a large rock.  My practice is rock solid now.

  •       Willingness – I don’t want to be that person anymore (old behavior).  Step by step walking in the dark…I’m moving from darkness to sunlight, from wet to dry.

  •       I’m new here.  I try to figure everything out.  I don’t know about faith so I’m always walking in the dark.  But I’m getting a glimpse now … I have to feel it, I can’t figure it all out.  I’m trying to be in the moment and feel my emotions.

  •       I just learned that my grandbaby’s leukemia has returned after 6 months of remission.  My mother died last week and I was named her executor …where I live on the West coast and all my siblings on the East coast.  It’s about having good intentions no matter what is happening in my life.  Step by step in the dark.

----

Koan study is a practice.  Most of the people who are showing up at our zendo for 12 & Zen have very little practice with koans, so part of what I'm trying to do here is teach a little about sitting with them.

Any part of the koan will work for you.  I've said this from time to time.  And the koan is about you, right now.  In my own practice these phrases have leaked into my 12 Step practice.  I sit with the Steps differently now.  Any part of the Step I am sitting with will work for me.  I am in this Step right now.  I think this is what we are doing here.

This is also why I emphasize carrying this koan with you for a while.  It has more to give.  And over time, just as a Step will appear with a pertinent message for you, the koans will do the same.

Happy summertime,

Bill K.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

It's only for your benefit ...

Step 5:  "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

One day when Dongshan and a monk were washing their bowls, they saw two crows fighting over a frog. The monk asked, “Why does it always have to be like that?”

Dongshan replied, “It’s only for your benefit, honored one.”





Comments from our 12 & Zen gathering yesterday evening:



Life can be messy.

Dongshan and the monk are washing their bowls.   Remember, this koan is about you.  You and your sponsor are washing your bowls ...or doing any activity together ...or meeting together to do your fifth step.  

"Saw two crows fighting ..." This fighting is happening for all to see.  Is this impression good or bad for you?  Life can be messy, we can all vouch for this.  The poor frog is being torn apart is not good for the frog.  Or was it?  What if the frog was injured, couldn't get away, was suffering in pain.  The crows were ending this pain.  From the crows perspective, the frog is food.  They are fighting over their food.

"Why does it always have to be like that?"  Why do bad things happen?  I've looked at all my character defects in Step 4;  sure, I can admit  this to God and to myself,   but why do I have to tell someone else this?  We're back to the messy parts of life.

"It's only for your benefit, honored one."  There were three people in our group who are presently working on their 5th Step, one with just five months of recovery.  She is unsure yet continues on, trusting the process, trusting her sponsor.  All of the "stuff" in our Fifth Step, so messy -- but we all agreed that benefits abound.
"What a relief," said one person, "Like a giant weight taken off my shoulders when I did my Fifth Step."  And as a sponsor we receive the benefits of seeing the Steps in action, seeing them work in an other's life.  What an honor this is for us to experience.  Since the sponsee has benefitted as well as the sponsor, on a greater plane benefit expands outward to others around us, like ripples in a pond. "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others." (P.84) This is the power of Step Five.  When we understand this, we are the honored one.

And the benefits from our koan today... it took us from something "bad" and messy to a place of relief and optimism.

Bill K.

“You wander from room to room
Hunting for the diamond necklace
That is already around your neck!”

-Rumi












Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Step Four -- A fire alarm is sounding!







Step 4:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.


Koan:  Put out that fire across the river.

It takes courage to be a fire fighter, and courage as we know, is the principle of Step Four.

As I was sitting with this koan, it was my past, my selfish actions that became the fire. I became the Fire Captain.  My job was to put out the fire of my past that burned inside me.

Searching is the first thing we do.  I had to first notice that there is a fire, then go out and find it. Then there’s the process of getting to what’s burning inside.  This can take some time, time in reflection.

The river could be considered a barrier of sorts; what is this river anyway?  I had to figure out how to cross it.  Do I swim across alone?  Do I ask for help from others to make it across?

Then, upon reaching the other side I must assess the fire.  Actually it turns out to be many fires.  Some are little spot fires; others are much larger and growing.  I realize that they are all growing.  Step 4 is about seeing that I don’t add any more fuel to my fire.  There are ways to reduce the fuel load right now.  Already the fire seems a bit under control by doing this.

But how do I put it out?  Step 4 is the fire fighting, the process of putting out all these fires and keeping the fire from spreading.  It takes courage to grub out all those potentially dangerous embers.  I think we’ll have to wait for Step 5 for the fire to be put out.

We had twelve people attending last Friday, and as usual, the koan took us in many directions:
  • The fire was my anger and resentments on the shore of the River of life.
  • OK God, this is a serious directive … to put out the fire…please help me with this Fourth Step, I can’t find the fire.
  •  The fire…ashes…the Phoenix rising from the ashes…my rebirth.
  • I need help to get this fire out.
  • Responding without questioning this?  Who is this anyway, telling me to put the fire out?
  • In this river of recovery, it took me a while to put my toe in the river…then I found myself swimming and the fire went out!
What came up for you?
Bill K.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Life After Your Barn Has Burned Down



The mere thought of thinking about making a decision requires attention – to in some way notice the process unfolding.  For God or our Higher Power to enter into this, the conversation only happens
in real time.

“Truth [God, awakening, koans, etc.] is only discovered in the moment and cannot be carried over to the next moment, the next day, or the next year …memory never contains truth.”  From an Adyashanti retreat ad.

“My barn having burned to the ground…” brought about a wide array of responses to our group last Friday.  What is the barn?  “It’s me... my ego... my past... protection from my fears,” they said.  The moon represented "light on my path...peace...and no matter what, God is always here."



Hearts Crack Open
When I was drinking, my life was full of burning barns, and burning bridges.  Hitting bottom was when I admitted I had a problem – admitting was noticing my life as it was.  My awakening (the Moon) began showing it’s face after I entered a rehab facility.  I was beginning to awaken to reality, hope, inspiration, beauty ... my heart began to crack open – my life began to change for the better.

In the Big Book on page 62 it reads “God was going to be the Director.”  And later on page 68 we ask God “to…direct our attention to what He would have us be.”  I think the Universe does this by providing us with each moment.  Direction, messages, signals, hints, clues, signs, warnings, all happen right here.  Now.  To turn my will and life (my actions and thoughts) “over to the care of God” is about paying attention to my life in this very moment -- just for the moment, casting aside my judgments and stories and all, to be open to what the Universe is presenting to me.  Isn’t this turning my life over?  Paying attention to my life is way different from paying attention to what my mind tries to tell me about life.  To shift from what I think is happening to actually notice what is really happening.  To awaken in the moment is all I need for a good life.

Being Attentive
On page 77 of the Big Book, “Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.”   To fit ourselves compatibly with whatever is going on. Before recovery, we more often were square pegs trying to fit into round holes.  So how do we make ourselves fit into life now?  We pay attention and allow the Universe to guide us. Having a “glass half-full” attitude really helps, too.

Saving the best for last [I think], a koan appeared to me on the morning of our 12 & Zen gathering.  It goes like this:  “No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.” Page 84.  Sound familiar?

A good answer to this koan would be, “My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon.”

Bill K. 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Our Twelve AND Zen Culture




This article by John Tarrant (my teacher and founder of Pacific Zen Institute) comes to you from the Spring 2014 issue of Buddhadharma: The Practitioner's Quarterly.  What John is telling us is exactly what Pacific Zen Institute (PZI) is doing and how it is doing it.  We are building a culture.

But I can't help but think about my 12 Step program and fellowship.  This, too, is a culture.  When I read his seven parameters,   I thought, "This is what we do in meetings!"  We look behind the "no trespassing" signs, we speak from the heart, we listen to all the voices in the room,  new people count, and we have very few rules.

When people ask me about my "program", I tell them about 12 & Zen...the Twelve Steps and Zen koans, this is my practice... This is the culture that we have here.

Lots to be grateful for,

Bill