Sword, Coral and the Moon

Step 5:  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Koan:  “What is the blown hair sword*?  Every branch of coral holds up the moon.”

---  *A blown hair falling on this sword is cut in two…a sword that can cut through anything.

We had 12 people attend our 12 & Zen last Friday.  I could tell by the group's comments that this koan had wide-spread affects...and in the overall picture, we were all on the same page, as if each other's comments kept building upon the others.

First the sword.  One person made no bones about it.  The sword cut through all the BS that had been a part of her life.  Now she was revealing herself to her sponsor in a way like no other, revealing the truth about things she had done and the people she had hurt.  I couldn't help notice people nodding their heads in agreement. 

No one likes to admit his or her faults, so the decision to even tackle this Step is also an example of cutting through. 

"Every branch."  Several brought up the community aspect of coral.  So it wasn't one coral organism doing all the holding, it was the community that we refer to as coral doing this.  Just as a 12 Step community is holding up us all.  We have  individual 12 Step members, all of which help the fellowship to prosper and grow.  Another talked about ever branch referring to admitting every "wrong".  Not picking and choosing the easy ones.  Leaving out the more egregious ones, we know will lead to relapse.  It's  like leaving out important building blocks which lead to weakness in structure. 

"Holding up the moon."   For one it about holding one's practice.  I hold my practice and at the same time the community is holding everyone's practice.  Some thought of the moon reflecting upon the ocean as reflecting willingness to complete this Step.  Others referred to the moon as a beacon of light ...lighting out path to recovery.

And then is was all drawn together, in a way, where the branch became a newcomer.  The moon was his/her sponsor.  The newcomer may be thinking, "This is all for me."   Whereas the sponsor knows it is not only for the benefit of both, it's absolutely necessary for the survival of all 12 Step members.

- - -

At the beginning of each month I send out an email reminder to more than 50 people.  It includes the Step we will be sitting with and the koan.   A few people have committed to coming every month, others in spurts, and still others but occasionally.   And there are others who have never come -- still they receive a monthly koan and I'd like to think even in these cases the koan may have an effect on them. 

Bill K.


 

Our friend at the hotel lobby makes a call

One of my teachers sent this to me.  I had never seen it before.  The more I read, the more I began welling up with tears of gratitude and understanding.  Not only does this anonymous author give us a splendid example of a koan case, s/he does it using the Big Book!  I find this absolutely fitting in with what we are doing here and affirming our koan and the 12 Step practice.

A deep bow to this unknown author.

Bill K.

- - - -

  

AA Case:  Our friend at the hotel lobby makes a call

By Anonymous



The teachers at the Zen Center have been giving a series of talks on the Denkoroku, a collection of koans that have to do with enlightenment experiences of ancient masters and the transmission of the lineage. This evening, I’d like to look at a koan or public case from a different text that is not in the Zen lineage. It’s an American text from the early part of the 20th century. It has many stories,incidents and experiences of spiritual awakening. It has elements of koan, transmission and lineage.

First, I’d like to read what Maezumi Roshi wrote in the forward to the Blue Cliff Record that beautifully expresses the spirit of koans and how they function. He says: “Koans reveal to us what enlightenment is, what the enlightened life is, how the patriarchs (let’s add matriarchs) and masters of old struggled with it, attained it, actualized it and accomplished it.” Let’s call that the Pointer for this case.

This text, which I’ve worked on quite a bit, was published in 1939 and is called Alcoholics Anonymous. In it, there is a very clear set of actions laid out that are specifically designed to produce a spiritual experience and freedom from addiction. The following incident or “case” is one of the seeds from which the collective spiritual practice of Alcoholics Anonymous first developed. It’s a moment of conception.



The Case

Here is a brief account. Years ago in 1935, one of our number made a journey to a certain western city. From a business standpoint the trip came off badly. Bitterly discouraged he found himself in a strange place, discredited and broke. Sober but a few months he wanted so much to talk with someone. But whom?

One dismal afternoon he paced the hotel lobby. At one end of the room stood a directory of local churches and a telephone. At the other end a door opened onto a lively attractive bar filled with chattering people and music. He was on thin ice. He shivered and said to himself, “What of all the others who will die because they do not know how to get well? There must be many in this town.” Selecting a church at random, he stepped into the booth and lifted the receiver. Simple enough – just lifting the receiver and making a phone call. Turning the rotary dial: chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk... ….Hello? And from there the story continues.

But let’s look at the ground of this action, how the ground is turned, how the seed is planted. What grows from it ends up having an extraordinary effect on millions of lives over the next 60 years.

We begin with the “journey to a certain western city” —always the journey. It’s my journey, your journey, our journey. It is our path, our actual experience and circumstances that are always the starting point. The only place there ever is. “From a business standpoint the trip came off badly.” That was, by the way, the only purpose of the trip. Hoping to make a big deal, our friend was counting
on reversing his financial misfortunes. And it was a complete failure. The deal ends up in a lawsuit, shot through with resentment and bad feeling.

And here he is one dismal afternoon. “Bitterly discouraged he found himself in a strange place, discredited and broke.” Doesn’t know how he’s going to pay the hotel bill, alone, discouraged. That’s a heart-wrenching place to be, isn’t it? Empty, everything taken away. This is the ground, his experience of groundlessness. Does that sound like experiences in Zen practice to you? The way our forms of practice, and teachers, can throw us into that open, defenseless space? Maybe more importantly, this broke, wounded or torn place in our friend, in me and in you, is the ground of growth and awakening. It’s the very wholeness of who we are. It deeply connects us. Later on in the text, it states that the dark past is the greatest possession we have. Because it the key to life and happiness for others. Our suffering and our specific circumstances, used to benefit others, are the treasure house. Can we see that the “broken” places in others are also the treasure house?

The case continues: “Sober but a few months, he wanted so much to talk with someone, but whom?” So this need arises. I need to connect with someone or find someone who has a similar experience. “One dismal afternoon he paced the hotel lobby.” Just pacing. Doesn’t know which way to turn. A trapped rat. A tethered colt. “At one end of the room stood a directory of local churches and a telephone. At the other, a door opened into a lively attractive bar filled with people and music.” Life going on. But not for this person. Which way to turn? This is a state of Great Doubt, of Not-Knowing. “He was on thin ice.”

Then he has an experience, an intuitive moment. He shivers and says to himself, “What of all the others who will die because they do not know how to get well?” His thoughts turn to someone else. To some inkling of trying to help, some feeling of responsibility. This is the momentof raising the Bodhi Mind. An intuitive, awakened thought. The impulse toward bodhisattva action arises powerfully and cannot be ignored. This is the functioning of deep wisdom. And this is where everything turns.

Our friend doesn’t know how to help or what to do. But is moved to action and is turned in a new direction. He must find someone to help. “There must be many in this town.” Just as there are right now in this town and in every town. This is a great shout! There must be thousands, they’re everywhere!

“He steps into the booth and lifts the receiver.” He calls a church at random, not to seek spiritual guidance or to talk to a minister. He is asking one question. Take me to the worst alcoholic you know. Take me to the heart of suffering. Take me to somebody so desperate they may not make it through next week. That’s what he’s looking for. Isn’t that amazing?

To go seek that out. Because his own life depends on it. And he finds someone and keeps calling this guy. He makes it his mission. These two become the co-founders of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then they find a third person, and eventually there’s a fourth, and then there’s a little group. All helping each other to stay sober and seek a spiritual experience. And all these years later in Los Angeles alone, there are two or three thousand meetings every week.

What I love about this phone call is that it came directly from one person’s life and that is exactly how it continues to this day. That’s the transmission, the face-to-face sharing of experience. One says to another - take it or leave it, but this is what happened to me. I’ve experienced a big shift, a complete change of direction, an awakening. And if you’re interested, I am willing to share that with you.

The offering is always myself, ourselves, herself. All I have, here it is. All I have, I’m going to share it with you because I have nothing. I have nothing else. But I have this experience. And I’m offering it because that is what saves me. That’s the medicine. It’s the only thing that works. It’s the only thing that relieves my suffering. And so here we are. And the story doesn’t have an end, becauseit is still going on. It’s all unfolding.





I’ll leave you with this as a Capping Verse. It is the traditional preface to the Blue Cliff Record:

Boundless wind and moon, the eye within eyes, inexhaustible
heaven and earth. The light beyond light,
the willow dark, the flower bright. Ten thousand
houses. Knock at any door, there’s one who will
respond.

- - - -





A Zen Practitioner’s Twelve Steps

1. I admitted I was powerless over my attachments to my ego and not in control of my actions.

2. I came to have faith in an Enlightened Way.

3. Without understanding it, I made a decision to practice an Enlightened Way.

4. I made a searching and fearless assessment of my ego.

5. Together with my sponsor, I made a commitment to a personal Zen practice.

6. I came to realize this practice as a lifetime discipline.

7. I came to realize the importance of seeing the effects of ego-centered actions.

8. I came to realize the importance of the role of forgiveness.

9. I made a commitment to work on my relations with others.

10. I started to study the role of personal reflection.

11. I made a commitment to deepen my realization of the Enlightened Way.

12. Having raised the Bodhi Mind, I came to realize that a commitment to serve others is an expression of the Enlightened Way.

This version of the Twelve Steps is an adaptation from the original Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was created by Roshi Bernie Glassman in 1987 at the Zen Community of New York as part of a study program.

What if nothing is wrong?

In many koans we hear,  especially after an activity or exchange of words between a teacher and student, that the student then had "a great awakening." 

Sometimes the awakening comes after the student is slapped or yelled at by the teacher.  Kgogen, while he was sweeping the ground,  realized his enlightenment by hearing the sound of a pebble striking bamboo.  

We can't predict or plan our awakenings;  they seem to come by accident.



(1)  From the Zen perspective, we already have Buddha-nature, the awareness of our true self, our awakened self.  It's hidden from us by our delusional mind;  but it's always near at hand -- a breath away.

(2)  From the God perspective, as I posted on February 18th, "God is everything."  Conversely, "Everything is God."  Realizing this, whatever is revealed comes from within. 

It is always near at hand -- a breath away.

Often the word "gate" is used to describe the opening where awakening appears.  Anything has the potential to be a gate for us, and this includes Step Four.

Step 4:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.


Koan:  "What if nothing is wrong?"

What if, while you are sitting with this koan, a gate appears ...an awakening?  A revelation from your Higher Power. 

There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

Bill K.

What was your original face ...

Step 3:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Koan:  “What was your original face before your parents were born?”

Our group had a delightful and deep conversation with this Step and koan.  "Original face" had a different meaning to everyone in the room, and still a kind of oneness that pointed to the same source. 

I found myself vacillating between the notion of "original face" and true self.  When Step Three came to mind, I recalled the passage in the Big Book on page 53, "God either is, or He isn't."  This morphed into God is everything -- everything is God; so the key is turning my will/life over to or aligning with everything in any given moment.

What self am I turning over then?

It's my small self that I'm turning over...the self that depends upon this 12 Step program.  My larger self, my true self, this can't be turned over since there is nothing to turn over.  My true self is everything.  My true self is God, Dharma, Universe.

The next day came one of my favorite meetings,  The Third Step Meeting!  The General Service Representative had a short announcement and the words "bottom up" jumped out at me.  She was describing how our 12 Step fellowship is a bottom up organization -- where the ideas for change come from individuals to their group to eventually end up at our New York office.  We are not a bottom down organization with some CEO dictating changes and policy.

Our relation with the Third Step is totally bottom up, too.  Everyone at our meeting has a different perspective of their Higher Power.  We pray differently.  We meditate differently.  We are different and still the same...collectively, all holding hands, saying the Third Step Prayer at the end of the meeting, it's bottom up action.

It's the same for my practice whether I'm sitting with a Step or sitting with a koan.  Going more deeply into the Steps or koans is on one level a solitary job, looking inward -- yet this inward journey takes me to a heightened level with my Higher Power. 

On Friday the 8th we had eleven 12 & Zen participants and 5 of them were new!  As I was closing up the zendo and talking with one of the regulars about these new people, she said she knows one of them and asked her why she is coming.  The woman replied, "I wanted to start doing things that I like doing."

I hope you like doing this, too.

Bill K.

God Magnet

A friend loaned me a little book of Jewish spirituality (Only 31 pages), printed by the Human Kindness Foundation, called Open Secrets -- The letters of Reb Yerachmiel ben Yisrael, Translated and edited by Rami M. Shapiro.*

While reading this book I found myself thoroughly amazed and energized.  Actually, the thought that kept appearing was, "Wow!  What a great Zen book."  I came away with a substantial affirmation of how I view my practice and Higher Power.  On the last page, Rabbi Shapiro adds:  "The fact that these teachings and practices have parallels in other religious systems points to our common humanity and universality of spiritual insight and practice.

And since we are sitting with Steps 2 and 3 this month and next, it is only fitting that I include the topic of God here.  I hope this invigorates your relationship with your Higher Power.

"The essence of God is that there is no essence of God, for God is all and nothing, here, now and forever."  Reb Yerachmiel ben Yisrael

You know how it is when you are at a meeting and you look around to see heads in the audience nodding in the affirmative to what the speaker is saying?  This is how it was for me reading Open Secrets. 

"You ask me of God:  to define the Nameless, to place in your palm the ultimate secret.  Do not imagine that this is hidden somewhere far from you.  The ultimate secret is the mot open one.  Here it is:  God is all.
...What we truly are is God manifest in time and eternity.  Know this, live well, and die easy."

-- Reb Yerachmiel ben Yisrael

It's suggested that we find a God of our understanding.  How do you feel and experience your Higher Power? Words fail me when I try to define my Higher Power.  No words can describe enlightenment either. 

Then I read the following letter.  It's not a definition of God;  he writes about God's completeness.

In writing about God's completeness ...it's like adding another blanket on a cold night...another level of feeling my Higher Power, feeling my place in the Universe.

Bill K.

*It seems that this little book is out of print but there is a full version (125 pages?) still available.

On first reading of

Sustenance

-->

It’s been a few days now, back from our 7-Day “Bare Bones” Sesshin (retreat).  As usual, I came home with more than I left with.   Besides sitting with my ongoing PZi curriculum koans, Teacher John Tarrant offered three other koans to be worked with as a triptych.  I shall be using two of these here later on.  It’s always  a special feeling to have a koan reveal one of the Steps to me and even more fun to share this with others on our Friday evening discussions.

Hakuin Ekaku:  Praise Song For Meditation

If this way moves you

the first time you hear it,

and you simply follow it,

endless blessings come to you.

There’s always a table present with the donation box, various books for sale, notices, sign-up lists and free handouts.  It was at this table where I noticed one of the other participants reading the handout I made for 12 & Zen.  Since we are supposed to hold a quiet setting, I didn’t say anything at the time…and maybe he was just casually perusing.

Early in the retreat in the interview room, David told me that there was a person here who noticed the hand-out who seemed very interested in what we are offering... and this person might be getting in touch with me.  It was not until the very last day, after the closing ceremony that we finally met.   His enthusiasm for the 12 Steps was apparent.  And the idea of mixing in koans with his practice brightened the smile on his face. 

He’s from Canada and already I’m having fantasies of how 12 & Zen is spreading globally.  Then again, he could begin a 12 & Zen project in his home town, any of you could do the same.  I have to remember that all I’m doing is laying down a concept and a loose framework.  Sure, I can put things out on the internet and advertise on a local bulletin board;  but I’ve got to remember that the koans are doing the work here.

The 12 Steps

and Zen koans

are what sustain me.

Sustain:  give support, nourish, buoy up, sustenance…

We are doing good work here.

Bill K 

Something Better Happen Or I'm Cooked!

The responses to the goose in the bottle koan and Step One (see prior post) were quite varied and well received last Friday in our small group discussion.  During the time we were meditating with both Step 1 and the koan, I threw out several questions:

This koan is about you. 
At any time, are you the woman? 
Are you the goose? 
Are you the bottle?

Here is a response from Sheila F. I'd like to share with you.

"i had my own awakening around the koan that i wanted to share with you:

at first, i didn't identify with any parts of the koan, not the woman, not the goose, not the bottle.
however, the word "want" struck me very strongly, and i did identify with that.  it occurred to me that it is the "wanting" that creates the hardship and suffering in my life.  wanting the impossible, like a goose to get out of a bottle.  it is my ceasing wanting that i am free.

then as i sat with the koan longer, it came to me that the it represented the stages of my drinking:
at first, drinking was "fun" and kind of okay, like a small goose in a bottle i suppose.  sort of manageable.

then my drinking became "fun with trouble" and i see that like feeding the goose that is getting bigger in a bottle.  at some point if i had been able to stop, perhaps i still could have gotten the goose out of the bottle before it got too big.

then, for the most of my drinking career, it was not fun, it was just "trouble."  i was cooked.  there was no getting the goose out of the bottle.  end of game. story over.  i had to accept that fact, that i could no longer drink ever again at all in any way shape or form.  and my wanting to drinking like a normal person was like wanting to get a goose out of a bottle.  would never happen.  so i had to give up wanting the impossible and come to the truth of my experience. accept it in my innermost self.

what a great lesson to work with! thank you so much."


I had a different response to this koan.  It was the day after we sat that this came to me...What if God is the woman?  Certainly God or the Universe has given me everything I need to be raised well and  to live well.  I am the goose, happily thriving in a bottle that at one time was oblivious to me.  The bottle became my disease.  It was when in my life I knew I had a problem that, as Sheila writes, "I was cooked."  My disease was what was restricting me from my true self and from really living my life, and being aware of my surroundings.


But when I really admitted I had a problem and proceeded with the Steps, low and behold, the bottle disappeared! Just another example of how koans work.  As Sensei Deb Saint said, "Koans shine a light in the places that need it."  And from the Grapevine Quote of the Day, January 9, 2013, "The Steps will speak to my condition wherever I am in sobriety."  (Riverside, Ill., August 1977, From "Turning On the Power" Spiritual Awakenings).  Our Steps work on us very much the same way koans do.

What a great day it is to carry my koans with me.

Bill K.