One koan, Six Verisons, for Step 1

Happy New Year, 2019, there is no better place than to begin with Step 1.

The second Friday falls on January 11th. Hope to see you soon.

Bill K. 


Step 1:  We admitted we were powerless over something -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Same Koan, different translations:

1) James Green’s version:

Viewing the Snow:  Layman P’ang pointed to the falling snow and said, “The snow is so beautiful; each flake lands in the same place.”

2) Ruth Fuller Sasaki's version:
"Flake after flake does not fall another place."

3) Blue Cliff Record case 42:
"Good snowflakes -- they don't fall in any other place."

4) Yamada's translation is:
"Beautiful snow flakes! They don't fall on any other place."

5) John & Joan's translation:
“Beautiful snowflakes! They don’t fall in that other place.”

6) Sekida's translation:
"Beautiful snow- flakes, one by one; but they fall nowhere else."

Step 12 -- The interweaving continues on and on...

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and practice these principles in all our affairs.

Koan: We and everything we perceive are woven and interwoven
And this interweaving continues on and on,
While each thing stands in its own place.”

     ~ Shitou Xiquan

Initially I was drawn to the “woven and interwoven” concept in this koan, as the beautiful tapestry of our fellowship – the interweaving of individuals in meetings, the weaving of groups with our service committees, intergroup and functions, the tapestry of all the groups in counties and states across our nation, and reaching beyond the U.S. to countries around the globe.  AND it all comes back to one alcoholic helping another, which begs the question, “Where do I stand?”

Weaving the Steps together is how we “work” the 12 Steps, there are no boundaries.  Step Twelve is the jumping off place.  It’s like the day I received my full-fledged drivers license and was able to drive off in a car all by myself; knowing that now I'm responsible for my safety and the safety of others. Completing Step 12 calls us to be responsible…”When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.”

John S., is a longtime member but new to 12 & Zen.  This was his first time with us. He commented that tonight’s koan “Took me to the interweaving of my past and present, before and after sobriety, which is who I am today. Now, it’s what I do with my weaving and interweaving that’s important,” the weaving continues on and on.

I had a revelation this month. It was like tumblers in a lock falling into place where a door opened into a new realm in how I experience my Higher Power. It all came together (interweaving?) with the help of Christine, an outside of AA book, a telephone koan discussion with a teacher, and Layman P’ang.

• First was Christine S., a Tibetan nun, with training and practice in several traditions.  With more than three decades of sobriety, she once said that her higher power is a verb.  Her point of view startled me.  I’ve been sitting with this for more than a year, agreeing with it, yet something felt missing.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around the verb aspect.

• Next is the quotation “God is everything or else He is nothing,” on page 53 in the Big Book. A huge part of the success of AA comes from the suggestion that we can create a power of our own understanding;  so I have no problem with changing this phrase to correspond with my Zen practice to read: “God (or Higher Power) is everything and nothing.” The everything refers to form (things) and the nothing refers to emptiness (no things), as in the Heart Sutra, “form is emptiness, emptiness is form”.  With this in mind, I knew I was headed in the right direction.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" I said while reading this.

• I’m reading a book called, Holy Rascals by Rami Shapiro. It’s #26 on page 56 that brought it all together!  My perception changed. On my morning walks, the “things” (nouns) like trees and mailboxes and leaves, actually everything, changed modes. Trees were treeing, the mailbox mailboxing, leaves leafing, and I was in the mix, meing – all of us on the walk, walking.  Simply saying “I am one with all” doesn’t automatically make me feel this “oneness”.  Now I was experiencing no separation between treeing and meing. We were happening.

•  In my ongoing koan practice, I’m working with Layman P’ang,  this time with Dialogue #20. Speaking and Not Speaking. Here are a couple of lines of their dialogue: Pai-ling asked the Layman, “So can you tell me simply, how do you not avoid speaking about it? The Layman winked at him.

• This time on my walk I laughed about Layman P'ang's winking because I found everything was winking at me! As the trees were treeing, their implied winking was their way of telling me; “We’ve been doing this all along; and you thought we were only trees.”  This is what I told my teacher earlier in the month during our telephone dokusan (meeting).  The interweaving goes on and on.

All of this takes me back to the koan:  “We and everything we perceive are woven and interwoven…” has evolved into, “We and everything happening are woven and interwoven… coupled with “My Higher Power is everything happening and nothing happening.”

I am one lucky guy.  Working the Steps in my life continues to bring me spiritual awakenings. Practicing these principles in all my affairs continues to bring me freedom, peace of mind, and a sense of purpose. Sharing this with you brings me joy.

See what’s happening throughout the weaving and interweaving?  God is the Happening and we are happening.

Here’s winking at you,

Bill K.

Sitting with Shitou Xiquan and Step 12

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and practice these principles in all our affairs.


Koan: We and everything we perceive are woven and interwoven

And this interweaving continues on and on,

While each thing stands in its own place.”
     ~ Shitou Xiquan



We'll be meeting in about two weeks on December 14th with Step 12...and sitting with the wisdom of Shitou Xiquan (b.700-d.790)

Usual time, 7 PM. 

Bill K.

Step 11 -- Are you awake?

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I heard this at our Moment of Silence Meeting…a meeting dedicated to Step 11.  Some of you may recognize our koan for November as Psalms 46:10.

Koan:  “Be still and know I am God.”

After I sent out the announcement this month, a friend wrote back, "A koan from the Old Testament?'  On page 87 of the Big Book I recalled, "Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer." Still, I have something for everyone here.  Perhaps one of these will work for you:

“Be still and know I am your HP.”
or  
“Be still and know I am here.”

I did things a little differently this time.  After reading the initial koan, at intervals between 2 and three minutes during the meditation time, I shortened the koan by one word.

Be still and know I am
(meditate)
Be still and know I
(meditate)
Be still and know
(meditate)
Be still and
(meditate)
Be still
(meditate)
Be
(meditate)


During the discussion time, one person thought of this as a mantra, to be repeated over and over again while soaking in each line and its offering. A wonderful term came about that fits this situation perfectly – spiritual dropping off place.

I viewed this koan as really seven koans.  Often with koans and interviews with my teachers, within the story they would single out other phrases for me to sit with.  As with Joshu and the dog koan, Mu (or No), my teacher would ask, “How long is mu? How wide is Mu. What color is Mu, etc.?

This is what I was presenting to the group, seven koans, each presenting a mysterious open ended-ness. It was how I sat with it all. The open ended-ness is the spiritual dropping off place. Coupled with Step 11, it became a place where my conscious contact with my HP grew closer and stronger, almost as if something was leading me along.

Be still and know I am

·      DH recalled there is a Hebrew word or phrase that means, “I am that I am.”

·      Step 11 implies that our HP is always approachable and near at hand…nearby.

Be still and know I

·      I went back and forth with the “I” here. Of course it’s the “I” of the universe telling me something.  It’s also me, myself, and I.  Through practicing the 12 Steps over all these years, I trust that my HP is here for me.

Be still and know

·      Know that Step 11 works; it produces good results. I know this from my experience.

Be still and

·      Take in all the possibilities and mystery in this dropping off place.

Be still

·      DH will ask his sponsee, “What do you need to do when you’re upset?” The Big Book is clear about this, too.  We pause, we take it easy, we go somewhere and be still.  This is why meditation is so important for us. It’s a place where emotions are quieted. “Where I can find my wisdom mind and the tools of the program,” DH added.

A bee being

Be

·      I am that I am.  Be the person your HP wants you to be. EA said, “Be free to learn about your Divine Creator.”  Be open and available.  In other words, be attentive to what is happening right now.




Use this mantra. Use these koans. Use both. Are you awake to Step 11?



Bill K.

November Koan for Step 11

Greetings:

Here is the koan we'll be sitting with. Maybe see you on the second Friday (November 9th) at 7PM?

Bill K.
 
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.


I heard this at our Moment of Silence Meeting…a meeting dedicated to Step 11.  Some of you may recognize our koan for November coming from Psalms 46:10.

Koan:  “Be still and know I am God.”
Or use this slightly altered version: “Be still and know I am here.”

Step 10 -- Nothing Hidden

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.


Koan:  A shortened version from Shangu’s Sweet-Olive Blossoms, #18, Entangling Vines

One day the poet Shangu was visiting Huitang Zuxin.  Huitang said, “You know the passage in which Confucius says, ‘My friends, do you think I’m hiding things from you?  In fact, I am hiding nothing from you.’ It’s just the same with the Great Matter of Zen.  Do you understand this?”

“I don’t understand,” Shangu replied.”

Sweet-olive is different from the olive we normally think of.

Later, Huitang and Shangu were walking in the mountains where the air was filled with the scent of the sweet-olive blossoms.  Huitang asked,“ Do you smell the fragrance of the blossoms?”

Shangu said, “I do.”

Huitang said, “You see, I’m hiding nothing from you.”


“My friends, do you think I’m hiding things from you?  In fact, I am hiding nothing from you.’ It’s just the same with the Great Matter of Zen.”

·      The Great Matter of AA – my sponsor doesn’t hide things from me.

·      The Great Matter of the Big Book – it doesn’t hide things from me.

·      The Great Matter of meetings – Listen…the AA message isn’t hidden from me.

·      The Great Matter of my Higher Power – through prayer and meditation, nothing is being hidden from me.

Then who is doing the hiding?  I am. You do. We do, with our deceiving, delusional and craving mind.

A fragrance is noticed when my sinuses are clear.  My delusions are noticed when my mind is clear, when I’m open to what is here right now. The awareness comes in direct proportion to how my own house is in order.  We talked about this tonight when D. said the first time he did the Steps, “It was rather superficial but good enough to go onto the next Step. As the years of sobriety accumulated and I worked the Steps at ever deeper levels, my mind became more clear.”

Step 10 is a lesson about discernment, paying attention, being mindful of one’s thoughts and actions just now and sensitive to my emotions.

This koan is telling me, “Nothing Hidden just now.

·      Smell the blossom’s fragrance – nothing hidden, just fragrance.

·      Hear the chirping bird – nothing hidden, just chirping.

·      Tasting cool lemonade on a hot day – nothing hidden, just lemonade.

·      Recalling that conversation today where I may have been rude with another – nothing hidden, just rudeness…my rudeness.

Among the five of us, we discovered that collectively we had 153 years of sobriety in the room.  “So I was surprised the other day,” S. said, “Me with 25 years, still getting upset with another person who talks constantly, telling her, ‘Your stress is stressing me out!’ “

Upon reflection S. asked herself, “Where was my compassion? Understanding? Realizing that it’s this other person who has a problem and I needed to be more kind in this situation.  This is the beauty of Step 10 – it’s always available, where I can clean up my act, hopefully the sooner the better.

E. jumpstarts her Step 10 to coax out those hidden things by asking herself, “How am I like this other person?”

D. emphasized the importance of inventory, “I take spot inventories all day long, not just at night before retiring; a self reflection of my actions and motives to see if I’m hiding anything.  What a relief.”  

The choice is mine. I can stew about this other person all day long.  Good luck with that and where it will take me.  With Step 10, I’m really putting my life  back in order, moving on, getting back to doing the greater good.

Last week I was deep in sesshin (Zen retreat), walking alone on a redwood forest path. My normal busy habit mind had dropped away by then.  I was seeing things that could easily have been overlooked; things that were in plain sight and not hidden. Step 10 is a spiritual decongestant, clearing my mind to see the truth.

Bill K.

October, Step 10 and this koan...

Dear Friends,

Here is the Step and koan we'll be sitting with in October.

Bill K.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.


Koan:  Shortened version from Shangu’s Sweet-Olive Blossoms, #18, Entangling Vines

One day the poet Shangu was visiting Huitang Zuxin.  Huitang said, “You know the passage in which Confucius says, ‘My friends, do you think I’m hiding things from you?  In fact, I am hiding nothing from you.’ It’s just the same with the Great Matter of Zen.  Do you understand this?”

“I don’t understand,” Shangru replied.”

Later, Huitang and Shangu were walking in the mountains where the air was filled with the scent of the sweet-olive blossoms.  Huitang asked, “ Do you smell the fragrance of the blossoms?”

Shangu said, “I do.”

Huitang said, “You see, I’m hiding nothing from you.”

Steps 8 and 9: My actions are my only true belongings...

Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9:  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

From the Sutra: The Five Remembrances:

Koan:
 
My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

My actions – I can’t shake them, hide them, bury them, give them away, pawn them off, or bequeath them.  There are past actions I’d just as soon forget, but I can’t. They are mine to keep, my only true belongings.

We recite The Five Remembrances every Monday evening, and every day on retreats.  This particular Remembrance jumped off the page for me since it strikes and the core of what we are doing when we take the 12 Steps. It puts my actions into ultimate focus, perspective and importance.  Everything I have done and everything that was done to me is what I carry into the future. Only I can take responsibility for my actions today AND the Steps, especially Steps 4,5,6,7,8,9, and 10, help me deal with my past actions.

Roger talked about Steps 8 and 9 as repairing steps –they are about repairing connections we have with others.  “My connection with other people is a sacred thing,” he said, “as it repairs my wholeness.” Repairing are my actions, something I can stand on.

Susan talked about consequences, to her, are negative connotations; and the ground upon which we stand a positive connotation, coming from skillful means and unselfish actions. It’s our missteps that make the ground firmer through right action.

In the brilliance of the 12 Steps we have found a way to identify our negative actions and use our past experiences to help others. They make it so I can live with my past. “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it” (BB Page 83). The writers of the Big Book knew the importance of taking ownership for our actions (true belongings).

Chris gave the Monday evening talk at CityZen a few weeks ago. He’s also the minister of the local Unitarian Universalist church and is familiar with the 12 Steps. He knows about my blog but is not a regular follower.  My jaw dropped when he announced the koan for the evening saying, “This evening I offer you something to sit with from our Sutras -- My actions are my only true belongings.”


I was chortling to myself while we meditated and also realizing the wonder of it all; that he and I, independently, would come up with the same koan for Step 9.  I think it was the koan choosing us.

During his talk, he brought up our PURIFICATION Sutra, which is about atonement and he referenced it to what we do in 12 Step programs. Later I kidded him by suggesting that he had implanted bots into my computer to “swipe” the koan that came to me for Steps 8 and 9.

PURIFICATION  Sutra:

All the ancient twisted karma
From beginningless greed, hatred and ignorance
Born of my body, mouth and thought
I now confess openly and fully.

And let’s not forget our positive actions, our sober actions, our helpful and caring actions, our humble actions – these, too, are actions upon which we stand. “Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now…the dark past is the greatest possession you have – the key to life and happiness for others (BB Page 124),” for sure, the actions of a bodhisattva.

One definition of purifying is “to free from guilt.” Step 9 is a purifying Step.

THE FIVE REMEMBRANCES  (The five facts that Shakyamuni Buddha advised we should reflect on often):

Shakyamuni Buddha advised: These are the five facts that one should reflect on often.

Ino:       I am of the nature to grow old.
All:      There is no way to escape growing old.

Ino:       I am of the nature to have ill health.
All:      There is no way to escape ill health.

Ino:       I am of the nature to die.
All:      There is no way to escape this.

Ino:       All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change.
All:      There is no way to escape being separated from them.

Ino:       My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
All:      My actions are the ground upon which I stand.


Amazing, the more I practice the 12 Steps and Zen Buddhism, the more I realize their overlapping qualities.

Bill K.

September 12 & Zen Reminder...

..two weeks away... Friday, September 14th.

Lots to sit with...Where do you stand today?

Bill


Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9:  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.



From the Sutra: The Five Remembrances. This is one of the five facts that Shakyamuni Buddha advised we should reflect on often.



Koan:

 Ino:       My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
All:      My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

Hard, Easy, or Neither

This August koan, there is no Step in particular. What Step or Steps come to you while sitting with this koan?

One day, while Layman P’ang was meditating in his sitting hut, he suddenly cried out, “”It’s hard, hard, hard! And I’ve put ten coats of linseed oil on this platform, too!”

His wife said, It’s easy, easy, easy! Just turn your eyes to the floor, lower your feet to it, and be on your way!”

Ling-chao said “It’s neither hard nor easy! The mind of the Ancestors* is in every blade of grass!”

* Referring to Hsin-hsin ming who wrote:  “Though the Great Way is expansive, treading upon it is neither hard nor easy.”


Friday:  We had a small but earnest group…of three. One-third of our group said this koan brought up Step 10 for her. “Continued to take a personal inventory,” E-V-E-R-Y day.  Just deciding to do this can be a hard at times, a chore, easier for another day.

But over time and practice, the daily inventory becomes an ongoing process, going deeper and deeper, beyond just naming things.  O.K., what if person X just grates on my nerves and I was snappy with her…I need to apologize.  But really now, what was behind my behavior?  The more I practice my self-inventory, it’s no longer something that has to be done, it’s something I want to be done, to bring harmony to both parties.  It’s becoming second nature to  do this, to look at my part, easy, just like getting out of bed.

In a way though, with all the Steps (1 thru 12), aren’t we taking a form of inventory when acknowledging and examining our thoughts and actions?

Two-thirds of us thought this koan engaged with all of the Steps.  At times, the Steps can seem so hard and difficult for us; that’s usually when we resist something.  Resist comes from the Latin resistere, re-sistere, which means: “to take a stand.”

Oh how we alcoholics can take stands – “I’m not going to do that!” Why? Because we think it’s too hard (or lame or stupid or scary, or fill-in-the-blank). It’s the resistance that’s the problem.  When I say, “Boy is it hot today,” I can guarantee that I will feel hot.

Like we hear at meetings, AA is a simple program for complicated people. We complicate matters when we resist what is presented to us.  What can be more simple than rolling out of bed with feet touching the floor? We don’t give this a thought.  One moment we’re in bed, the next we find ourselves standing by the bed… then walking about.  One moment we are working the Steps, at other moments we feel as if the Steps are working us. How could this be?

“It’s neither hard nor easy,” said Ling-chao, “The mind of the Ancestors is in every blade of grass.”

This is where our practice of the 12 Steps take us.  By definition, a PATH means that others have tread upon this same route, and over time a PATH is created.  In our case, a 12 Step “path”.

Part of my morning prayers goes like this:  “I pray that I may hear my teachers and the 10,000 bodhisattvas who have gone before.  I pray that my teachers, past present and future, hear their teachers and the 10,000 bodhisattvas who’ve gone before…”

The thousands upon thousands of men and women who have worked the 12 Steps before you and I came along have contributed to clearing the AA path for us.

“The mind of the Ancestors is in every blade of grass.”  The mind of awakened alcoholics are in every one of the Steps.  And those times where I feel the Steps are working me – I’d like to think it’s my AA Ancestors helping out.  With their help, “It’s neither hard nor easy.”


Bill K.

August "Potluck" Koan

Offering to you our August koan.  Sit with all of the 12 Steps.  What Step (or Steps) come to you while sitting with this koan? 

Koan: Three Views of Hard and Easy


One day, while Layman P’ang was meditating in his sitting hut, he suddenly cried out, “”It’s hard, hard, hard! And I’ve put ten coats of linseed oil on this platform, too!”


His wife said, It’s easy, easy, easy! Just turn your eyes to the floor, lower your feet to it, and be on your way!”


Ling-chao, his daughter,  said “it’s neither hard nor easy! The mind of the Ancestors* is in every blade of grass!”

* Referring to Hsin-hsin ming who wrote:  “Though the Great Way is expansive, treading upon it is neither hard nor easy.”


In August we'll be meeting on the usual second Friday, the 10th.  This is our 12 & Zen "potluck" koan;  what Step will you be bringing to the table?

Bill K.

Wait and See, Watch and Follow -- Step 7

Step 7:  Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Koan: Let’s wait and see.

This month’s koan is an exception to what I normally present here, that is, traditional koans from the Chinese masters. I do this every so often, but not deliberately; words come to me as a koan, as something to work with my everyday life.

I’ve had a cough since last December. Still have it. This is not normal, so I contacted my doctor, who has prescribed various tests over the past three or four months. What I know today is that I do not have any suspicious mass in my lungs.  A good thing.  But each test seems to point to something else that needs looking into, thus another test.  Tomorrow it will be an ultrasound of my abdomen.

Back to this koan and the latter part of last month, I attended a 7-day sesshin with CityZen (Santa Rosa, CA). I went into the retreat with really not knowing what was going on inside my body.  A CT scan was scheduled 2 days after the retreat.

Human nature as it is, my first thought was, “I have cancer, I’m going to die, why is this happening to me?”  A millisecond later a voice in my head said, “Why not me? What makes me so special to think I should somehow avoid things like this?” Actually I felt a sense of relief, bringing me back to the present.

On the first day of the sesshin when meeting with my teacher, I told her that she probably wouldn’t be seeing me for interviews during the week.  I explained a little what was going on and that my plan was to just sit with my condition. I told her a few koans and phrases had already appeared to me, Not knowing is most intimate and Sickness and medicine correspond to each other.

It was mostly the not knowing that I sat with for 6 days, putting aside thoughts about my health conditions, especially the what ifs and my future when they came up; and relax into a wait and see mode.  This month’s koan had just entered my world.

Entering the sesshin already acknowledging “why not me” freed up any worry about death.  Death is big in Zen; a gimme; no one escapes it. O.K. that’s settled, right now I’m sitting with being alive.

I trust in what happens in sesshin. Things are revealed when they’re revealed. This sesshin was no exception. Relief and answers came from many sources, all seemed to reinforce that I have a good life today, no matter what happens in the future! Simply amazing, all I did was sit and wait and see.  Examples:

·      The great Way is by nature calm and large hearted, not easy, not difficult…Accept your nature, accord with the Way and stroll at ease, free from annoyance. Reading from our Sutra Book, “Relying on Mind” by Seng-t’san.

·      Out of the blue, the Practice Leader would give us short messages of support.  Sometimes I go about pitying myself – and all the while a great wind is carrying me across the sky, or

·      Be patient …what you are looking for is looking for you.

·      Over and over again. Around and around. Up and back down. Sit in the bottom of the bowl, head in your hands, cry, moan, feel sorry for yourself.  Or. Look around. See your fellow bugs. Walk around. Say, “Hey, how you doin’? Say, Nice Bowl! “  From a poem, Bugs in a Bowl by David Budbill.

One afternoon, in all its richness, The St. Francis Prayer came to mind.

How often have we said as a matter of passing, “The fog lifted around 2PM?” At sesshin, over a two hour period, I watched the fog lifting.  The fog and I were both lifting.

And more.  I left this sesshin feeling alive and ready for anything that comes my way.

And what does this have to do with Step Seven?

Everything.

First and foremost, we try to remain humble.  Humble people don’t try to force the issue.  Humble people don’t know the outcome or when it will happen. Humble people are patient…and willing to wait and notice what the Universe has in store for them.

Dale said, "The state of humility is being teachable and not trying to manage things...and it also has a relationship to gratitude." Elsie said, "Being humble is being truthful.  I'm aware of my shortcomings and accept that I'm not perfect



Upon asking my Higher Power to remove my shortcomings, how do I prepare myself for God’s answer? It’s not like I can kick back on the couch and simply wait for a response.  “I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done…” (Big Book, Page 420), I wait while being mindful of what’s happening around me, all the while attending to the moment.

And what will clear the way to realizing my prayer has been answered? By attending to my H.O.W. (Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness).

After working with this month's koan, Dale has inserted it into his morning ritual:

Each day it seems I start upon a path,
Each moment a vigilant step,
Each breath points the way.
Wait and see, watch and follow
Each moment, each breath, each day.




Bill K.

P.S. A brief update on my health condition.  No red flags! I've had two kinds of CT scans and an ultrasound since the retreat. I have a hemangioma in my liver which we'll look at again in six months.
The other internal body parts look pretty good for an old guy.  Still trying to figure out what's causing my cough.  In the mean time, I'm feeling well and enjoying life.

July Koan

We'll be meeting in about two weeks.  Here is what we'll be sitting with in July:

Step 7:  Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Koan: Let’s wait and see.

Bill K.

Step 6, Near at hand ...

 
Step 6:  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.


Koan: “Coming and going we are never astray.”

From the Heart Sutra

• In Step 2 we came to believe.  This would be like sitting in a new and different car, looking around, then realizing where the gear selector is.

• In Step 3 “we made a decision. In taking this new car out for a spin, we release the brake.

• In Step 6, we’re entirely ready to go and put the car into DRIVE.

Isn’t our readiness for Step 6 totally contingent upon working the first five Steps? Every so often I hear about our AA toolbox at meetings, meaning the 12 Steps are our tools for success.  Being at Step 6 now, we have at least some experience with these first five.  Our toolbox isn’t fully stocked so we have to use what we have in order to go on. What we have is adequate.

Not only do we have these five new tools, we are realizing that they are available to us no matter where we are or what we’re going through.  I still, in all these years, forget this.  Mired in what to do, back and forth conversations with myself, angst as a result of my own actions, then it will dawn on me, “I forgot my Higher Power today!” There’s a tool in my toolbox that I forgot was there – it’s Step 6.

Recently I read about the new U.S. computer called Summit, now the speediest computer in the world.  It can do mathematical calculations at the rate of 200 hundred quadrillion per second, or 200 petaflops.


    .001
________    = RSN (Really Small Number)

 200 Petaflops


The point I’m trying to make is … I may have wandered off the path; but I’m never astray from my HP… Step 6 is always near at hand.  How near at hand?

Closer than RSN.


Bill K.

Step 6 Koan

Step 6:  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Koan: “Coming and going we are never astray.”
From the Heart Sutra

- - - -

Here is what we will be sitting with in June.

Bill K.

Step 5 -- The Whole World is Medicine

Step 5:  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Koan:  Yun Men, teaching the community, said, “Sickness and medicine correspond* to each other: the whole world is medicine, what are you?”

*Various translations: “Correspond to, subdue, heal or in accord with each other…”

Our friend Dale is in the hospital again.  But the good news is,  he’s supposed to come home tomorrow! So far he’s had a stent put in at his heart, another stent at his gallbladder to go around gallstones. There probably will be other surgeries in the near future.  And all throughout this hospital stay, he has been sitting with this koan. He has a good story for us:

Lying quietly in bed, his eyes gently closed, he was saying this koan to himself.  “Sickness and medicine correspond to each other…the whole world is medicine… what are you?”

Immediately after he had said the phrase, “what are you?” he was startled,  hearing a loud voice, “You are one sick person!” It was one of his doctors, the one who will be putting two more stents into his left leg later on. There was Dale's answer.

Dale laughed…and had to tell the doctor what had just happened.  Yes, right now he is sick and he is open to all the medicine they offer.


My sitting with this koan and Step began with what appeared as various opposites:  Sickness - medicine, ourselves - another human being, sponsee – sponsor … then eventually took me to an entirely different place.

My sickness, of course, would be my alcoholism and resulting behavior. The medicine I have learned (and through experience) is the sharing with another human being.  The effectiveness of this medicine comes from being completely honest with my sponsor and myself. So right now, my whole world is Step Five.

Elsie commented that she can’t be cured of alcoholism, but can find a modicum of peace and serenity.  “When I balk at a Step or with problems," she said, “I become sicker.”

Oh,  the perceived barriers I have heard over these years, real and imagined. To the sponsee, Step 5 can feel sickening…while the sponsor sees the “medicinal” qualities of this Step in the form of changes before his/her eyes.  But not always; there are those who refuse to do Step 5 – their alcoholic sickness festers with many returning to drinking in an attempt to forget or cover up these wounds.

Initially the medicine may seem worse than the sickness for a sponsee; but their trust in their Higher Power (and sponsor) carries them on, the necessity to tell the sponsor everything about their past.  To not reveal all,  to leave certain things out, is like not following through with a doctor’s prescription, as in,  “If one pill in 4 hours is prescribed, then two will be even better!” Too much medicine leads to more sickness.

There is no light without the dark; there is no medicine without sickness. If the whole world is medicine, then the whole world must also be sickness.  The world is sickness AND medicine.


Now, where do I fit in here?  What are you?  I’m just an alcoholic trying to find sobriety and get well.  The object then is to do right things to maintain recovery momentum.


Am I feeding my sickness?  Am I looking at ways to find relief from my sickness?  Am I the medicine that puts my sickness into remission?

Deep in my disease, not only am I sick, I’m spreading sickness.  Deep into Steps 4 and 5 I’m turning things around. Not only do I admit that I’m sick, now I’m doing something about it –
more than taking my medicine, I become the medicine for myself and eventually for others.

Elsie said, “I’m sick -- is my first thought.” It’s in the 5th Step that I found forgiveness, understanding, peace and courage to go on.

That sounds like medicine to me.

Bill K.

May koan and Step

Hello All:

It's almost May.  Time to begin sitting with our next Step and koan.  Locally we'll be meeting Friday, on May 11th.

Bill K.


Step 5:  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.



Koan:  Yun Men, teaching the community, said, “Sickness and medicine correspond* to each other: the whole world is medicine, what are you?”


*Various translations: “Correspond to, subdue, heal or in accord with each other…”

Step 4 and Making yourself beautiful.

Step 4:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Koan: For whom do you bathe and make yourself beautiful?
Dongshan (807-869)



Dongshan and Linji lived around the same time during the latter part of the Tang Dynasty, a time when Chán flourished. Dongshan is considered the founder of the Caodong School (that became the Soto School in Japan) and Linji the founder of the Linji School (Rinzai School in Japan).

Buddhism in China had its rough times, too.  The first large-scale purge of Buddhism took place in 446 “and major imperially sanctioned persecutions took place again in 574 and 842-845.” Dongshan had experienced the worst of times and the best of times for Chán when he gave us this koan.

My friend Dan Kaplan sent me one of his recent talks at the Rockridge Zendo that was on this koan. Then, with a little inquiry, I came across Sensei Megan Rundel’s blog piece on it, too.  Megan writes, “For whom do you feel desire, and how do you make yourself desirable? There is a strong sense of eros here.” While Dan said, “I take it to be about what do you truly love, what gets you out of bed in the morning. In the end, for me, it’s about ME, and that vastness that IS me.”

“I think it’s both,” I wrote back.

In asking the question: “For whom do you bathe and make yourself beautiful?“, the desire comes in many layers.  At one level it’s the bathing as a desire to please another.  At another level, in the context of what we are doing here, the Third Tradition comes to mind, “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.”

Step 4 is about coming clean, with ourselves and our past behavior; bathing in a tub of willingness; washing with a soap of honesty; and scrubbing where there’s the most dirt and grime.

·      For whom are you taking this inventory?
·      For whom are you coming clean?
·      For whom do you wish to present yourself today?
·      For whom are you getting sober for?

Jump into the tub! Step Four, a spiritual scrubbing, an awakening to our new self.

Others this evening:

It’s my soul enjoying the physical body – not only ego – but a process of freeing and connecting to eventually take that fearless and thorough moral inventory.  Roger.

A light is shown when taking a fearless and thorough moral inventory; it’s a sacred act to make ourselves shiny and new; where a new life begins for us each day.  Susan.

Such a simple sounding koan, I smiled.  It provoked my ability to see myself in fleeting ways.  After many years in the program, my favorite word in Step 4 has become “ourselves”. That’s what we end up with the more we work Step 4 – we end up with our self, in whatever way it presents itself in this moment.  Elsie.

Our koan and Step 4 threw a larger loop around Kate’s experience tonight.  She said she just returned to college and is taking a class in Privilege. “This Step and koan are taking me on a whole different level; where I’m asking myself not about my past behavior, but instead, where is my place in life today around privilege? What a fantastic question she asks?

Here is the full verse Dongshan wrote:

For whom do you bathe and make yourself beautiful?
The cry of the cuckoo is calling you home;
hundreds of flowers fall, yet her voice isn’t stilled;
even deep in jumbled mountains, it’s calling clearly.

Who is calling you to get sober?  Who is calling you to stay sober?

Bill K.

Step Three Decision -- Centers in the mind

Step 3:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Koan:  The wind was flapping a temple flag.  Two monks were arguing about it.  One said the flag was moving; the other said the wind was moving.  Arguing back and forth they could come to now agreement.  The Sixth Patriarch said, “It is neither the wind no the flag that is moving.  It is your mind that is moving.” The two monks were struck with awe.  #29 The Gateless Barrier

Such arguing!  One monk has decided that the flag is moving while the other monk has decided that the wind is moving the flag; and each being cocksure his own decision is right, and the other’s is wrong. We do this, too, with our everyday decisions cloaked is duality.  “It is your mind that is moving,” said the Sixth Patriarch.

Deciding on a God or god or Higher Power or higher power or simply a power of our own understanding requires a different outlook beyond duality. We find higher powers of all makes and models in AA – the Christian God and Jesus, Islam’s Allah, Higher Power, pagan gods, Nature, no god, or simply a force or power that’s indefinable.  Daresay, a 12-Step group of a hundred people has a hundred corresponding higher powers.

What do I understand? I understand what an automobile does; I know how to use a car; but I understand very little about its inner workings.  The Big Book tells us what a higher power will do for us; we learn how to use our higher power and hopefully grow in proficiency; but I know very little about the inner workings of my higher power.

The Higher Power that I rely upon is not an entity; it’s a magnificent force; the ultimate power behind all things.  “God is everything or else He is nothing,” written on page 53 of the Big Book. I go with the “everything” part. It’s about turning my life over to everything in the moment. And deciding to turn my will (thoughts) and my life (actions) over to this power sounds like something I have to initiate myself.  Not really. There’s a Zen phrase I’ve heard, “doing by not doing.” Decisions can be made from not doing.

Of late I’m enjoying the phrase “just wait and see” as another way of submitting to the Universe and trusting in my Higher Power – trusting in the dharma. When I can get out of the way, stop the old behavior, take it easy, step back with an open mind, not only can I see what transpires, I become what is transpiring. This is Step Three.

Back to the arguing monks…had they turned their will and their lives over to the care of the Universe, the power behind all that’s there in that moment, they might have seen a flag moving in the wind. Actually, their whole world would have become a moving flag in the wind.

Doing by not doing, when not being fixated upon resentments or outcomes, my mind stops flapping.  When my mind stops flapping and the winds die down, the world opens up. This happened to me a few days ago when I was on my way over to the skilled nursing facility where Dale is recuperating (he’s doing very well by the way and now at home).  I was stopped in the left turn lane, waiting for the light to change.  The afternoon traffic was quite heavy.

Then this person appeared in the road, struggling to cross the intersection.  A short gray haired man, he was gripping crutches like those who have had polio use and dragging his feet slowly with each forward push on his crutches.  It was agonizing to watch as now he changed direction.   Instead of staying in the crosswalk he turned at a 45-degree angle and headed for the far corner, jabbing his crutches forward then painfully dragging his legs to catch up.  He almost made it to the corner when he stopped short by eight feet.  Exhausted, catching his breath, he stood there looking bewildered.

A car suddenly appeared, turning left where the man had just walked…and stopped.  Bending down, the man peered into the car as the passenger window rolled down. He and the driver appeared to be talking to each other. Then ever so slowly he dragged himself to the car, fumbled then opened the door, and was struggling to get in as the left turn arrow turned green and I had to continue on.

Waiting at the intersection I could have been flapping my mind over all the traffic, or the light is taking too long to turn green, or declaring all of this is wasting my time.  And what a crock that is, blaming the world for wasting my time. Instead, I was blessed and rewarded simply for waiting in a left turn lane.

For a few short moments my entire world was struggling man while witnessing his anguish, pain, courage, fatigue, despair, and the human kindness of others -- and this intersection of automobiles and people became the entire Universe.

- - -

Unable to come to 12 & Zen in person, Dale contributed this from his hospital room:

Step 3 Thoughts: “A daily (sometimes more often) decision to let go, to surrender, a daily decision to move with the will (direction) of my Higher Power, can ‘I’ stay out of the way?  Can ‘I’ move into the wisdom of allowing and a shedding of judgments?”

Moving into the koan: “Trying to ‘decide’ what my Higher Power’s will is, is like the two monks arguing about the flag and the wind. Is it this? Is it that? When in reality it is neither this nor that. What is *one* cannot have separate parts. My Higher Power will manifest in all things. It is the moving mind – it is the flag and wind.”

Step 2, It's all in the landing...

Step 2:  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Koan - Viewing the Snow:  Layman P’ang pointed to the falling snow and said, “The snow is so beautiful; each flake lands in the same place.”

Yamada's translation is: "Beautiful snow flakes! They don't fall on any other place."


I view “Came to believe” as not something to strive for.  Instead, it’s sort of a forecasting of what is to come, predicated on continuing to work the Steps. It’s like building strong muscles.  I’ll never simple wake up one day with stronger muscles.  Only after I have worked my muscles with exercise and lifting weights will my muscles become stronger.

Each flake … falling, swirling, updrafts, eddies, totally at the whim of wind and temperature, completely powerless over its destiny and not in control of anything.  Does it know when or where or even if it will land?  No.  All each snowflake can do is fall and wait and see what happens, falling only on the place where it lands.

I’m that snowflake falling, completely powerless over my destiny and not in control of anything.  The falling is the coming to believe part. Coming to believe that I will cease falling and land in a place.  Where or when, I don’t know.  All I can do is wait and see…and enjoy the ride.

This reminds me of a story from a Buddhist teacher; unfortunately I cannot recall his name -- You are falling from a great (un-survivable) height.  As you fall, spinning and rotating toward earth, what a shame it would be to not enjoy the spectacular view in all directions.

I’ll know I’ve landed in the right place when I have come to believe in Step 2. This may happen as soon as I embrace Step 3? Or later on…

The evening went a little differently for us this time.  I learned earlier in the day from a note that my wife had left, that Dale (who seldom misses 12 & Zen) would not be attending.  He was in the emergency room at Memorial Hospital. 

Of course he was on my mind and in my prayers. There was nothing I could do for him and I remained sane as I went about the rest of my day.  Concern yes, but no worries. He was being taken care of where he was and I am being taken care of where I am, because I trust in a Power greater than myself.

We missed Dale's presence yesterday evening.

Today I paid him a visit. He smiled as I walked in. His recovery may take months.  Beautiful Dale has landed in the same place.

"As the koan slipped into my body, I did not need to find a meaning outside of this very moment and this very place."*


Bill K.

* I  just swiped this from something my friend Jon Joseph Roshi just sent.  It seems a fitting closing here.
Thanks Jon.

Sitting with Step 2 and Layman P'ang

February in a few days.  Time to sit with Step Two...

Step 2:  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
...and this koan:

Viewing the Snow:  Layman P’ang pointed to the falling snow and said, “The snow is so beautiful; each flake lands in the same place.”

Yamada's translation is: "Beautiful snow flakes! They don't fall on any other place."


We'll be meeting on February 9th for sitting and discussion and a commentary here.



Bill K.

Step 1, This is our new normal

Step 1:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol [or something] -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Koan: My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon.    
Mizuta Masahide  1657-1723

If there is a disclaimer for my blog, it’s the coupling of koans and the Steps. We are using koans in a non-traditional way, and yet…we never know what koans will stir in us.

We don’t know the cause of this fire; what if I started the fire, then couldn’t put it out and my barn was destroyed?

·     Now my winter hay is gone.
·     Now my animals have no food or shelter.
·     Now my tools are ruined.
·     My life, its so unmanageable.

In other words, look what a mess this is, all because of me. Isn’t this Step One?  Step One, ultimately about cause and effect, we’re addicted to something and our life gets unmanageable. We admit our powerlessness over alcohol (and many other things) and continue working the Steps and our lives get better.

Over time, I became an everyday drinker.  Never missed a day, even when I promised myself in the evening that I wouldn’t drink tomorrow.  My promise was made in earnest. Still I would find myself drunk the next evening wondering how that happened. It went on like this for many years.

On page 354 in the Big Book, the writer describes his situation: “It wasn’t how far I had gone, but where I was headed.” This is my story. I didn’t have to experience some of the consequences of those in the “They Nearly Lost It All” stories. At the time, the part that I was unsure about was the alcohol. I was not 100% sure that alcohol was my main problem and at the same time couldn’t come up with any other plausible reason. I think this was a product of my alcoholic mind still trying to sway me. And then, like a flipped switch, one day I was drinking and the next day I placed myself into a treatment facility. 

After being there four or five days, a change occurred – it dawned on me that I wasn’t yearning for a drink that day.  The compulsion to drink had left me!  This made a huge impact. Something within me fell away, “burned to the ground”, and I was free.

The moon is a subject in many Zen sayings, often a metaphor for enlightenment or awakening.  Realizing that I was no longer promising to myself to stop drinking the next day was the proof I needed; deep inside, I am an alcoholic. Surely this was my awakening at the time.

It’s the remaining Steps where I learn more about my burning barn; the role it has played in my life; and seeing my life changing for the better having had it burn down. Come to think of it, all the remaining Steps are a product of cause and effect.

This past Friday, when we were meditating, I could see that one person seemed uncomfortable.  After I rang the bell I asked him, “Are you OK?”

“No, I’m not,” but he told us to go on with the evening’s discussion.

Later he spoke of his condition.  He’s 75, has emphysema, there are side effects from medications, “…and I’m dying actually, just not all at once.” He talked about his body not functioning as well as it used to; always out of breath with heavy fatigue, and it’s discouraging not being able to do things right now when they need to be done. “My doctor has told me that I have a strong heart, that it’s the rest of my body that’s falling apart. He told us that this is my new normal.”

He smiled a bit saying his body is the barn and it’s burning down as we speak.  “I accept this,” he said, “I am ready to die [He paused] but its probably not going to happen this evening.” He went on to say that his total acceptance of Step One over all these years, and his total powerless over alcohol is no different than his powerlessness over the demise of his body.

“I can see the moon now,” he said, as he referenced the Steps, that they are such an integral part of his life, that he has awakened to the fact that this is my new normal.  He accepts situations where “things” won’t get done right now.  “I’ll do that tomorrow, or I’ll take a nap and see how I feel or I can ask for help. This is how it is now.

He spoke for ten or fifteen minutes, and we listened. "Wow," he exclaimed, "I've never even been able to speak to my doctor like this." Then he attempted to apologize for going on so long but we interrupted, “No, no, not only did you need to get this out, we needed to hear you.”

Oh my, the Universe, cause and effect, or happenstance put us here this evening to hear how this koan awakened our friend to his new normal.  The next day we saw each other at a meeting.  We laughed together.

Bill K.