December, Step 12, and Jumping off a 100 foot pole...

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and practice these principles in all our affairs.  

 

Koan:

 

Deep autumn—

my neighbor,

how does he live, I wonder?

 

Matsuo Bashō, d. November 28, 1694, Osaka, Japan

 

 

Completing Step 12 is no small matter: 

 

·      Having had

Now in our possession

·      a spiritual awakening

Unexpected change for the better

·      as the result of these steps,

The work we put in

·      we tried

Positive inertia

·      to carry this message

The task at hand

·      to alcoholics

You and I

·      and to practice

To do or perform often

·      these principles 

A code of conduct

·      in all our affairs.

Interaction with people, places, and things

 

I suppose we could call Step Twelve our A.A. mission statement, something that guides our way of living.

 

On page 63 of the Big Book, it reads, “…we become less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we become interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.” 

 

We become less and less and more and more. It doesn’t say we stop doing X and begin doing Y. We’re alcoholics. It’s a lifelong process that we practice, knowing that we will never do this perfectly. We become less and less selfish and more and more selfless. 

 

Step 12 is just the beginning for us.  The longer we stay sober, the ways we contribute to life expand to include contributing the greater good to people, places, and things. And this brings us joy, comfort, and peace.

 

It’s deep autumn.  Crops have been harvested, foodstuff preserved, firewood chopped, and roofs repaired.  People are spending more time at home - - not getting out as much because of rains and colder weather or even snowstorms now.

 

My neighbor. “We haven’t seen each other for a while,” Mr. Bashō is thinking about his neighbor. Wondering out loud, “How does he live?”

 

This short little ten-word poem exemplifies our Twelve Step practice. Mr. Bashō cares about his neighbor. Caring for the alcoholic who still suffers is what fuels A.A.

 

And now about my jumping off place…

 

…as I said in my early December entry, this will be my last 12 & Zen posting.

 

I’m feeling some of the aging effects, having just turned 80. New territory for me that I’m thoroughly ready to embrace. I’m slowing down, words don’t always come to me as quickly, and take yesterday as an example, I spent several minutes looking in the refrigerator for the package of corn tortillas (that I had already taken out and placed on the counter). Here’s to a new chapter. I’m at that place where my yesterdays far outnumber my tomorrows, which makes “one day at a time” more essential than ever. And I’ve never been happier.

 

Gratitude is

the secret sauce

that goes with

anything

Fading, aging, falling apart; but it's still a fence.

So, My Friends, thank you for following along for all these years. Knowing you are out there participating has made this all worthwhile. I still go to four meetings a week, in this month came my 37^th year of sobriety, I’ll be doing a 7-day Zen retreat next month - - my Zen/A.A. practice sustains me as I jump off the 100-foot pole into my 81^st year.

 

Please remember, as long as this blog remains online, there’s more than a decade of koans and commentaries to work with, play with, and meditate with… and for new people, look around and give this a try…then see how this affects your 12 Step practice. One cannot wear out or use up koans or the Twelve Steps.

 

A deep bow in gratitude to you all.

 

Bill K.

December 12&Zen - - TWO Announcements this month...

 Dear 12 & Zen Followers,

#1] Here is the Step and Koan we’ll be working with.

 

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and practice these principles in all our affairs.  

 

Koan:

 

Deep autumn—
my neighbor,
how does he live, I wonder?

 

Matsuo Bashō, d. November 28, 1694, Osaka, Japan

- - - - -

 

#2] This month’s koan (and later commentary) will be my final posting. 

 

I turn 80 later this month. There are no medical issues that I know of, hiked 7.1 miles in the park today; but still, I’m slowing down on several fronts. More later in a few weeks in the commentary.

Bill K.

Step 10, the Reminder Step...

 

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.  

 

Koan:  The storehouse of treasures opens of itself. You may take them and use them anyway you wish. –Fukanzazengi* – Dōgen  (PZI Misc. Koans)

 

I had a sponsee once; I was telling him that the overriding theme of AA was all about service to others; and he asked, “What’s the payoff for me?”

“That’s telling,” I thought, “This may be a challenging situation here.” But again, this was early on, he was actually demonstrating his self-centeredness in spades, this is how alcoholics act, and we continued on.

 

Step 11 is, after all, simply reminding me to do what I’ve already been doing working Steps 1-10.  These Steps are in my mind already, and have been a part of my daily life for some time now. Bill W. knew from his personal experiences that alcoholics need reminding all the time.

 

Step 1 reminds me that I’m an alcoholic and will always be one for the remainder of my life.  It’s also a reminder of how unmanageable my life was back in the drinking days. This reminder often opens of itself, a storehouse of treasures from my past. What, now, should I do with these reminders?

 

I’m reminded of Step 2, how my willingness to be open to the notion that a higher power is here that will restore some sanity into my life. What a gift this is! It leads me to Step 3 and the power and relief I’ve experienced over the years, just by turning my thoughts and actions over to a God of my understanding. This is perhaps the greatest treasure in my storehouse.

 

Steps 4 and 5 are reminders how to look back at my past behavior and actions, sort them out regarding my motives and how I’ve hurt others; then telling my sponsor about all about myself. The payback? Treasures of relief and periods of serenity, understanding that I am but a human being, not a defective human being.

 

Steps 6 and 7 are midway in the Steps, a reminder that God is always with me, I can always talk to my higher power about new matters coming up, about some shortcomings that have returned, and through prayer, ask that these be removed. Bill W. was right. We need frequent reminders.

 

Steps 8 and 9. Making my amends to all those I have hurt. When I clean up my side of the street, I feel cleaner! What a concept (think treasure). Steps 8 and 9 involves the entirety of my life’s actions and thoughts. And in order to not continue to build upon my 9^th Step list, Step 10 provides me with daily tools … to keep my side of the street clean.

 

Back to Step 11 again - - it’s very apparent to me, by working these Steps daily, I have a lot going for me. My life is full and rewarding. The payback?

The Steps have taught me that giving to others is far more rewarding than taking things for myself. I have my own storehouse of treasures that are uniquely tailored to my personality. Truly, my storehouse opens of itself when I stay close to and rely on my higher power one day at a time.

 

Sobriety, a motivator of gratitude

Gratitude, the catalyst that opens the door

To the world’s storehouse of treasures

 

Bill K. 

 

*Fukan zazengi (Japanese: 普勸坐禪儀), also known by its English translation Universal Recommendation for Zazen, is an essay describing and promoting the practice of zazenwritten by the 13th century Japanese Zen monk Eihei Dōgen. The date of its composition is unclear, and the text evolved significantly over the author's lifetime. It is written in Classical Chinese rather than the Classical Japanese Dōgen used to compose his famous Shōbōgenzō.^[1]

 

Step 11, Treasures open to us

 November 2023, 12 & Zen

 

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.  

 

Koan:  The storehouse of treasures opens of itself. You may take them and use them anyway you wish. –Fukanzazengi* – Dōgen  (PZI Misc. Koans)

 

·      Fukan zazengi (Japanese: 普勸坐禪儀), also known by its English translation Universal Recommendation for Zazen, is an essay describing and promoting the practice of zazen written by the 13th century Japanese Zen monk Eihei Dōgen. The date of its composition is unclear, and the text evolved significantly over the author's lifetime. It is written in Classical Chinese rather than the Classical JapaneseDōgen used to compose his famous Shōbōgenzō.^[1]

Bill K.

Step 10, Swimming in Reality

 Koan:  A student asked Yunmen, "What does it mean to sit and contemplate reality?"

Yunmen answered, "The coin lost in the river is found in the river."

 

 

You and I have packed a lot into our respective rivers of life, haven’t we?

We’ve experienced our placid river, roily river, meandering river, gushing river, muddy river, clear river, cold river, polluted rive, and even dry river. We’ve experienced them all because that’s the way life rivers flow.

 

What do we lose?  Our temper, connection to the steps, the sense of right and wrong, patience, fairness, the ability to put others first. What do we find? Peace of mind, the power of the steps, fairness, kindness, empathy, God, self-worth and happiness.  

 

What do we learn from our river?  We learn how to pay attention to her moods and activities, to her extremes and preferences, and to her strengths and vulnerabilities. In rough waters we learn how to hold on tightly or call for help; in tranquil waters we learn how to relax and let go; in muddy waters we learn to stop stirring things up; in polluted waters we learn how to locate the sources and clean up the causes.

 

In search of balance, we learn that looking outside our river doesn’t work - - no sitting on the shore. Comparing our river to others’ rivers isn’t helpful either. Balance comes when we go with our river’s flow.

 

Upstream? Lucky for us, we’ve already done this when we were examining our past in Steps 4 and 5. We swam well upstream then, beginning when we sensed memories in the water, sometimes vague, other times intense. We’ve got to find their hiding places among the rocks and crannies. Depending upon the current, at times it was difficult, but necessary; we must swim upstream and dislodge these memories, retrieve them. Once found, our struggle against the current ceases. We know what to do with these memories. The current is our guide now, taking us to where we need to be. This same process takes place with Step 10; but usually to a lesser degree. We only have to swim upstream for a couple of days or so when we’ve been balking - - or a few minutes when we’re paying attention to our actions.

In contemplating our reality, we have the good the bad, the beautiful the ugly. Total immersion is the way. That’s where we find things and where we lose things. We need the wetness of our river. If we’re not wet, we’re not living.

 

We had substantial rains last year, but in the years prior, severe drought toasted the landscape. After talking with others when light rains appeared, instead of saying “good-bye”, I would say, “Stay wet my friend, stay wet.”

 

Bill K.

12 & Zen October Koan and Step 10

Step 10:  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Koan:  A student asked Yunmen, "What does it mean to sit and contemplate reality?"

Yunmen answered, "The coin lost in the river is found in the river.”

Bill K. 

The Hard and Easy of Steps 8 and 9

 

Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

 

Step 9:  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

 

Koan: One day, while the Layman was meditating in his sitting hut, he suddenly cried out, “It’s hard, hard, hard! And I’ve put ten coats of linseed oil on this platform, too!”

 

His wife said, “Its easy, easy, easy! Just turn your eyes to the floor, lower your feet to it, and be on your way!”

 

Ling-chao said, “Its neither hard nor easy! The mind of the Patriarchs is in every blade of grass!” (1)  Case #51 - Three Views of Hard and Easy 

 

 

(1) The Laymans daughter, Ling-chao, is referring to a line from the Third Patriarch s work the “Treatise on Believing in Mind" (Chin.: Hsin-hsin ming; Jpn.: Shinjin~mei) that says, “Though the Great Way is expansive, treading upon it is neither hard nor easy." Very little has been passed down about the life details of the Third Patriarch, Chien-chih Seng-ts'an (Kanchi Sosan,  

(? - 606), who stood halfway between Bodhidharma and Hui-neng. 

 

 

It's hard, it’s hard’ it’s hard to make amends, especially to those who have harmed me (fingers pointing at them) because after all, they owe me an amends. What about me?

 

What about you? I’m glad you asked, “Who is in the process of working their steps?”

 

“I am.”

 

“Who seems to still be carrying a grudge toward another?”

 

“I guess I am.”

“Who wishes to be free from the bondage of self?”

 

“I do.”

 

“If this other person made amends to you, but you didn’t reciprocate making your amends, who do you think would be more at ease?”

 

“He probably would.”

 

See…it’s easy, easy, easy when we finish making an amends. Just turn your thoughts inward, address your past actions and behavior and how your goal, now, is to clean up your side of the street.

 

Easy, easy, when I go at Step 9 with “don’t know” mind and the backup of my higher power. I don’t know how each event will unfold; but I do know I will be better off for what I’ve done.

 

Not knowing is a space, empty of my manufactured thoughts, stories, and delusions; ready to embody what comes.

 

Life is made up of varying degrees of (real or imagined) friction. When things get rough for us (think hard), we invite our HP in to help smooth things out. More often than not, it is I who gets smoothed out, not the other people, places, or things.

 

We make Steps 8 and 9 out to be hard, until we do them, then we learn they are neither hard nor easy.

 

 

Bill K.

 

Steps 8 and 9, Hard or Easy?

 

We're sitting with this for August and September...

Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

 

Step 9:  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

 

Koan: One day, while the Layman was meditating in his sitting hut, he suddenly cried out, “It’s hard, hard, hard! And I’ve put ten coats of linseed oil on this platform, -too!” 

His wife said, “Its easy, easy, easy! Just turn your eyes to the floor, lower your feet to it, and be on your way!“ 

Ling-chao said, “Its neither hard nor easy! The mind of the Patriarchs is in every blade of grass!“ (1) 

 

Case #51 -  Three Views of Hard and Easy 

 

 

(1) The Laymans daughter, Ling-chao, is referring to a line from the Third Patriarch s work the “Treatise on Believing in Mind" (Chin.: Hsin-hsin ming; Jpn.: Shinjin~mei) that says, “Though the Great Way is expansive, treading upon it is neither hard nor easy." Very little has been passed down about the life details of the Third Patriarch, Chien-chih Seng-ts'an (Kanchi Sosan, ?—606), who stood halfway between Bodhidharma and Hui-neng. 

Bill K.

 

A Step 6 and 7 Pick-me-up

 

Step 6:  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.  

Step 7:  Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 

Koan: Once a monk made a request to Joshu. “I have just entered the monastery,” he said, “Please give me instructions, Master.” Joshu said, “Have you had your breakfast”? “Yes I have,” replied the monk. “Then,” said Joshu, “wash your bowls.” The monk had insight.  Case 7 of The Gateless Barrier by Zenkei Shibayama

Joshu isn’t telling the monk to anything profound…only to do the next right thing - - and look what happened!

Working these Steps is not for wimps – it takes courage and a willingness to change our ways.  We’ve gone through Steps 1 thru 5, an amazing feat for any alcoholic; and there’s more to do, especially when some of our old habits show up.

It’s like when we realize it would be good if we could get some kind of a spiritual boost right now, something to lessen the effects of a battle going on inside our head. These periodic battles show me yet another example that I can’t be trying to run the show.

Tradition 3 states that the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. You have entered the Fellowship of AA. Have you gone through Steps 1-5? “Yes I have.” If I want to continue your recovery momentum, then continue on with Steps 6 and 7. The next right thing.

Back in the day of using and drinking, our goal was to seek anything that would change the way we feel. Today, having completed Steps 1-5, we’ve taken in all the spiritual nourishment we need for any moment – but at times, our energy sags, and we need a pick-me-up to get us back on track. The effects of Steps 6 and 7 are that pick-me-up, reminding me that my H.P. will take away my difficulties.

We’re in a heat wave right now.  Well actually, probably two-thirds of the nation is roasting. Hydration is imperative. Drink lots of water…first, remember to pre-hydrate, then continue to drink water throughout the day. Come to think of it, Steps 6 and 7 are how we stay spiritually hydrated throughout the day.

Hope your summer it going well. 

Bill K.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Socrates

Step 6 and 7, Wash your bowls...

 

June/July summertime 12 & Zen ...and ready for:

Step 6:  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 

 Step 7:  Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 

Koan: Once a monk made a request to Joshu. “I have just entered the monastery,” he said, “Please give me instructions, Master.” Joshu said, “Haave you had your breakfast”? “Yes I have,” replied the monk. “Then,” said Joshu, “wash your bowls.” The monk had insight.  Case 7 of The Gateless Barrier by Zenkei Shibayama

Bill K.

 

Getting things rolling with Steps 4 and 5

 Step 4:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  

Step 5:  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  

Koan: Case 8 The Gateless Gate:  Master Gettan asked a monk, “Keichū made a hundred carts. If he took off both wheels and removed the axle, what would he make clear about the cart?” The Gateless Gate (GG)

No matter what the conditions, wherever I go, there I am, in bringing “me-ness” to the scene.  As babies, relying completely on others for our care and welfare, we were all perfect babies.  Crying, sleeping, nursing, spitting up, and of course pooping and all - - perfect babies.

I was Billy…a 3 ½ pound perfect preemie. It was touch and go in the beginning as Billy was eating but not pooping.   Eventually, my tiny colon expanded on its own - - the family story said an ecstatic nurse scurried down the hallway carrying a tiny diaper, showing the evidence to all interested parties. 

Baby Billy grew up into Bill, an introvert by nature, who began his drinking career early in his freshman year of college, going from a non-drinker to saying, “Let’s go get drunk” in a matter of a few months. I flunked out in June. Hmmm. My first consequence of drinking. I drank for 25 years. 

I remember one fella, I can picture his face but cannot recall his name, who would always begin his story saying, “When I got into the rooms of AA, all the wheels had fallen off.  We all come here in varying states of functioning. My wheels hadn’t come off; but a few lug nuts were missing and others loose, wheels still turning but wobbly. Gene H. always says “We don’t get here on the tail end of a winning streak.

When Keichū took off both wheels and removed the axle, there was still a cart there, albeit a cart that wasn’t capable of carting goods from here to there.

Notes: (GG) Page 45 – “Everything is the cart! What remains? The wheels and axle are our concepts and ideas.”

I was still Bill K. and my life was unmanageable.  I brought my unmanageability and my concepts and ideas into the rooms of AA.  It’s by working Steps 4 and 5 with my sponsor where I learned how my actions have hurt others. My concepts, based on my selfishness, brought about unhealthy ideas. 

By sharing Step 5 with my sponsor, my mental load felt lighter. My sponsor helped, my wheels were more stable - - I began moving forward, continuing the remaining Steps.

We dismantled ourselves via our past behaviors in our self-centered prideful drinking days. We thought our cart (self) was “hot shit” …until we realized it wasn’t. Our cart needed rebuilding...this is how we move on, learning our truth.

 

Bill K.

Steps 4 and 5: April/May

 

Here is what we'll be sitting with next...

Step 4:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  

Step 5:  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  

 

Koan: Case 8 The Gateless Gate:  Master Gettan asked a monk, “Keichū made a hundred carts. If he took off both wheels and removed the axle, what would he make clear about the cart?”

Bill K.

The beginnings to prosperity - - Steps 2 and 3

 

Step 2:  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 3:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.  

 

So sad, alone, and poor...

Koan: A monk, Seizei, asked Master Sôzan in all earnestness…

Seizei is alone and poor. I beg you, Master, please help me to become prosperous.

San said, Venerable Zei! 

Yes, Master! replied Zei.

San said…

You have already received valuable gifts and still you say you are miserable and poor. *

Case 10, Seizei the Poor, The Gateless Gate, Koun Yamada

* The actual phrase as written said, “You have already drunk three cups of fine Hakka wine* and still you say that you have not yet moistened your lips.”

- - -

Our local Gene H. always begins his share with, “We don’t get here on the tail end of a winning streak.” Isn’t that the truth.  In many ways, in our early sobriety, we can identify with how Seizei is feeling - - poor and alone…and looking for some sense of prosperity. 

Then San says, “Veneraable Zie.” I’m sure Zie isn’t feeling that he deserves such respect. Maybe no one has ever addressed him as venerable. Or perhaps he wonders what San sees in poor me. After all, he is the Master, so he responds with due respect, “Yes, Master.”

“You have already received valuable gifts and still you say you are miserable and poor,” says San.

What if, instead of carrying the thought of how bad things are, he looked about, considering his surroundings?

Here I am, not only living as a monk in Master Sôzan’s monastery, but also have the opportunity to talk with him in person. I have a place to sleep, we all work in the garden, the food is well prepared, tasty. I have my daily work practice. We meditate. I’m learning from the practice leaders how to be a good monk. Master Sôzan gives us evening talks. These are my friends. We are all practicing the Way together.

We admitted in Step 1 that we’re powerless over alcohol and our lives are unmanageable. Steps 2 and 3, with the guidance of our sponsor, offer us infinite personal space for reflection in order to come to believe in and work with a higher power of our understanding. We, as sponsors, are like Master Sôzan. We don't talk down to others because we know how they feel. We were once newcomers. There's a respect for each other and the institution of AA.

For some, it’s about picking up their old religion and running with it - - for others it’s about rejecting their old religion and not knowing what to do next. Here’s the good news! By our mere existence there’s something we are already tapped into, but we’re not aware of it yet. My view, it’s not a thing - - going beyond words and thought, “self-nature that is no nature.” The Big Book offers all sorts of suggestions for all…and whatever you choose, you will discover a higher power or God that’s always been here for you.

The riches are waiting for us before we walked into that first meeting, beginning with the gratitude we have for Bill and Bob who started the AA movement 88 years ago. Meetings with coffee and cookies, all of us with the same affliction, finding a solution to our problem, finding our sponsor, helping one another, laughing and crying through it all, and establishing friends for life. By giving more and taking less, we become a part of what is good in the world. 

I didn’t feel immense gratitude at the time I was first doing Steps 2 and 3; but I did have the feeling that I was heading in the right direction.  It's by looking back that I realize the gifts began on my first day sober. Today I will say AA is the most valuable gift I have ever received. 

Bill K.

 

 

Steps 2 and 3 Koan for FEB/MARCH

 Step 2:  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

 

Step 3:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.  

 

Koan: A monk, Seizei, asked Master Sôzan in all earnestness…

Seizei is alone and poor. I beg you, Master, please help me to become prosperous.

San said, Venerable Zei! 

Yes, Master! replied Zei.

San said…

You have already drunk three cups of fine Hakka wine and still you say that you have not yet moistened your lips.

Case 10, Seizei the Poor, The Gateless Gate, Koun Yamada

A Bug Takes Step One

Step 1:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol* -- that our lives had become unmanageable. 

 

Koan: 

A bug on a branch

Swept away down the river

Still singing her song

ISSA (1763-1826) Translated by Cliff Edwards

in a collection entitled Lovers Have So Little Time.

We don’t know anything about this bug, only that she’s on a branch, but how on the branch? Is it easy to hold onto, like a secure place in the fork of a branch? Or is she holding on for dear life because after all, she was being swept away down the river. I doesn’t sound like a serenely-flowing tranquil river.

I have heard it in all of our stories before we hit our ultimate bottom – we’re bugs holding on for deal life, rapids thrashing us about, maybe even dangling by one arm as we’re being swept down the river of alcoholism… singing our song, too…a song all about me and the troubles I’ve brought to myself and others…a song called My Selfish Alcoholic Blues…Let’s sing along: 

Ohhh my blues

NUTTEN but bad news

WHY I can’t refuse

DRINKING all this booze

 

My PAINS so bad

Even the DOGS’ are deserting

My PAINS so bad

ALL MY HURTS are hurting 

But wait, I see a fork in the river up ahead! Some of us, by circumstance, intervention, luck, or unexplained phenomena, find that our branch has somehow come aground in a protected pool by the shore, and even fewer of us make the choice to scurry ashore where there’s food and cover and other friendly bugs.

They tell me I must leave the river life; that the river will only take me to worse times, even death; that the river has too much power over me, that my life is unmanageable under these conditions.

On land with my new bug friends, they say I need to learn a new song - - a song of recovery, unity and service. I think I’ll give this song a chance. Would you care to join in and sing with me? (Sung to the tune of John Denver's Almost Heaven) 

Almost heaven

In these meetings

Hear the speaker

Cookies and strong coffee

Life is good here

Reaping all the perks

Reading in my Big Book

Seeing how it works

 

Take me home

Bill and Bob

To the place

Where my job

Is to-trust-God

Helping others

Take me home

In sobriety

 

Hey, sounds pretty good.  Let’s sing our song again, tomorrow.

Bill K.