One word is enough.

There are koans of few words and koans of many words. It doesn't take much for a koan to stick to a Step -- one word or short phrase is enough. Koans work so effortlessly when we let them.

When thoughts arise telling you that the koan you are sitting with seems
a perfect match for "Part A" of a Step but has nothing to do with "Part B," that's the time to pause, take it easy, and let this notion go. This is a good example of how we critically think things to death; the quicksand of duality rearing its ugly head; the conflict between subject and object. If there is an answer here, it's no subject, no object, just practice.

This is how the koan I've assigned to Step Two came about -- a better way of saying this is how little Jade came to believe.

Koan: Little Jade

A woman calls out to her maidservant, "Little Jade, Little Jade," not because she wants something, but just so her lover can hear her voice.
We were given this koan at our January retreat (sesshin). During the week-long sesshin I'm working on other koans, too; but this one seemed to filter in and out during the day. The
evening talks by teachers usually revolved around little Jade.

Step Two we "Came to believe ...." Believing is an interesting concept in that it doesn't have to be backed up with facts. For me it's a feeling rather than a thought. Two phrases came up for me and began a dance ... "came to believe" and "lover." And yes, my thoughts tried to take me to the part of Step Two that says, "... could restore us to sanity" and begin a dialog about how could Little Jade have anything to do with restoring me to sanity... blah, blah, blah.
This brings me back to "came to believe" and "lover." I thoroughly believe (there I go again) that my Higher Power loves me. I also recall the time when I realized that I loved the person I was dating and she loved me (my wife, now). Just knowing that, in my heart was enough ... that I was loved. My wife's name is Beth. Seeing her, thinking about her, hearing her voice, hearing someone else say her name, all has the power of connectedness, a goodness from the heart that all is well.

For some of us then, isn't this the feeling of coming to believe? I don't think we can make ourselves come to believe in a Higher Power of our choosing; but we can allow for this belief to happen when we give it space to grow in our heart.

And the "could restore us to sanity" part? Simply put, that happens, in various degrees, heh, heh, heh, after coming to believe. Little Jade knows what I'm saying here.

Bill K.

Step 2 says that I'm insane?

In 12 Step groups we're told that it's insane thinking when we do the same thing(s) over again expecting different results. The Buddha said we suffer because of our delusional thinking. "So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making." P. 62 BB
We make up "our troubles" with our minds.

sane: "sound of mind, rational, showing good sense"

insane: "not sane; mentally ill or deranged; demented; mad; crazy"

delusion: "a false belief or opinion (not substantiated by sensory evidence)"

I suspect if we work on our insane thinking, we will also help tackle our delusions; and
likewise, if we work on our delusional thinking, we will also address our insane thoughts.

What is this "working on?" My proposal is that practicing with the 12 Steps and koans
together, we can help to resolve both matters, or at least lessen their impact upon our lives.
We do this by not thinking* of either steps or koans separately but as one practice.


It's much like the idea of striving for enlightenment (whatever that means). Awakening cannot be hunted down and captured -- it simply happens when we are doing the thing which allows it to happen -- not trying, not seeking, not striving and not looking outside ourselves.

In Step 2 we learn that our insane thoughts will be taken away; in other words, we cannot try ourselves to dispose of them. Delusions disappear via our meditation practice, not by thinking our way into clarity. We stop the struggle, we take it easy, we do what is required to make space for the Universe to speak to us. This can happen to anyone, at any time, anywhere. It's right here, right now!

When I hear a Step being read at a meeting, a koan often appears as its reflection;
when I'm working on a koan on my cushion, a Step may appear as its reflection. There's
no clinging to one or pushing the other away; instead they appear as one entity to
reflect upon -- helping my mind to become more rational and my opinions to fall away.


Bill K.

* See earlier post about colons and periods.

Have you been using too many colons?

We have thoughts; then we usually have thoughts about those thoughts; then we have thoughts about those thoughts, too; and so begins our suffering.

Here's a "thought" example of what I mean. "Boy are all those tattoos on his arm ugly: I could never do that ... what would my Mom think ... he's obviously been in prison ... and probably addicted to drugs ... I hope he doesn't sit next to me ... he could have Hep C ... why would anyone go through such pain, only to have hideous tattoos showing... he should cover them up when out in public." Ongoing thoughts such as this bring me no peace of mind. But this is what the human mind does, and we believe it!



But what happens when we leave that first thought alone? There it is. One thought. From the example above, the first thought was: " "Boy are all those tattoos on his arm ugly." Now try sitting with that one thought without "thinking" about it. "Is that so?" is a good question to ask yourself, without going into another dialog around that question. This is the process of meditation! Noticing thoughts but not running with them. When we do, then
come back to your breath or that first thought, OR your koan OR the Step you are working on.

So here's my tip. Use more periods (.) and fewer colons (:) in your life.

Back to tattoos, they are simply body art. Period. Anything else we add to that is not very useful. Sure, you may not appreciate his particular body art but that's just your opinion. Opinions are not what the Universe presents to me. I've made them up and they usually do not bring me joy. In fact, at one time I had all these same opinions about tattoos, until one day it came to me that they are simply body art. Some art I like and some art a don't. When I come upon any kind of art, good or bad, what has been presented to me is simply art. What I do next is my choice.

What has all of this to do with the 12 Steps and Zen Koans? Everything! it's part of my practice to notice when my thoughts have become stuck in the quicksand of opinions and stories. As with real quicksand, by stopping the struggle is when freedom becomes possible. When I stop the
struggle with thought-upon-thought is when the koan can deal with the matter.

Bill K.

Heads and Tails

A couple of Mondays ago, it was this koan that intrigued me -- Case 38 from the Gateless Gate:

Goso said, "For example, it's like a great cow passing through a latticed window. Her head, horns, and four legs have passed through. Why is it that her tail can't pass through?"

This week I offer you a koan that's not mentioned elsewhere on this blog. Please sit with it for a few days. As Mumon suggests, reflect upon the tail.

Then get back to me and tell me if any Step(s) came to mind in relation to this koan. I look forward to your replies.

And if nothing comes up for you, that's OK, too.

It's just as likely that this koan may affect you in entirely different ways. As Sensai Deb Saint said, "Koans shine a light in the places that need it."

Good sitting to you,

Bill K.

Just let go ...

.. easy for you to say. See -- here I am, holding onto my favorite "heart" rock -- clutching it tightly so I won't lose it. Remember, this is my favorite one, extremely valuable to my mind's eye. Not wanting to let go is intimately involved with not liking change. I suppose they may be interchangeable. Arrgghh!

But it's by letting go, where we stop trying to control matters, where we truly get to experience life as it is (instead of life as we're trying to make it). It's by letting go when I discover there's a more interesting plan available.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake." This happens and this happens and this happens because that happened and that happened and that happened. And yes, if we're holding onto something, that's not a mistake either, nor are the consequences we receive. If only we could receive a cosmic revelation: "You can let go now or let go later; but you are going to let go sometime. The sooner you let go the better off we both will be."

I can actually let go of my favorite "heart" rock without losing it, at least until the time comes for us to part ways. Succumbing to letting go (either voluntarily or involuntarily) can be such a relief -- when we trust the Universe with the outcome, any outcome. In other words, we accept whatever comes next (non attachment). Better yet is when we invite whatever comes next, welcoming it as we would a guest -- this brings happiness.

Not wanting to do a Step thoroughly, or at all, is holding on; our mind's fist clutching to old ideas, habits and fear of what might happen. Not allowing or resisting koan practice is also holding on to what we "think" we need or don't need. In holding on, we essentially place ourselves in prison.

By letting go of these thoughts, the prison walls crumble as we carry about our Steps and koans -- carried together as if in an open hand -- in a way, allowing them permission to lead us to the deeper place of less suffering and more happiness.

Accepting change, letting go, and ultimately finding freedom in the moment, I think, are all fostered by our practice ... 12 Step practice and koan practice. They also foster surprises counter to our everydayness. Here's an amusing example from my PZi friend, Jesse:

"My girlfriend and I were making breakfast for dinner last night -- eggs, potatoes and toast. Mmmmm. It reminded me of when my parents would make pancakes for dinner because they were too tired or lacked the ingredients to make an appropriate evening meal. Or maybe they just wanted pancakes.

Mom or Dad would ask, "So, should we just have pancakes for dinner?" Yes! My whole world seemed to flip-flop. The meal paradigm I had been living in was toppled and I had entered a strange world where people ate breakfast for dinner. Kind of like a little vacation from normality.

It occurred to me that koans are kind of like that for me. The world is simultaneously completely different and the same one I've always lived in. I end up doing strange things like laughing when I'm angry or going to a yoga class. It's funny how the ordinary things are the staples of my reality."

Bill K.

"Changing" our Ways

At a meeting last week the topic was "change." Can you hear the collective moans from the crowd? This brings me back to the days as a newcomer where I wanted things to be different; but I didn't want to change... or I wanted things to change; but didn't want things to be different. I didn't like the way my life was, nor where it was heading. Everything seemed to be getting worse [it was]. I wanted things to be different, but please allow me to choose what to be different and what to remain the same. Emphasis on "me" of course. "I" am the problem, aren't I?

There are the changes that others make in our life that aren't so appealing, changes the world presents that are disagreeable, and especially upsetting are the changes I'm forced into against my will. GASP! "Selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our problems...." The Buddha did say that our suffering comes from our attachments: holding onto something brings suffering, pushing things away brings on suffering ... all these constraints of the mind. These constraints of the mind tell us that this or that will make us happy; but they are all lies. Just like we cannot figure out koans, we can't figure out how to be happy, since happiness is something that comes from within.

Change seems to happen more easily when I have no intention of changing, but am willing to believe it may be possible . Deep down inside, isn't that where the yearning for change begins? By originating, not in our heads, but from within our body's center, deep down inside, it's possible to shift to a different perspective. We're tapping into the "deep down inside" where a realization of sorts begins, not "our little plans and designs." This is how the 12 steps work on us -- this is the way koans work on us. But they can only work on us if we give them space, that space between our thoughts, it becomes more broad when we meditate regularly.

They work on us when we carry them about, to filter through our everyday thoughts and activities. Any part of a Step or koan is enough: Brushing my teeth, "came to believe" (2nd Step) -- driving to work, "can hear her voice" (koan) -- jammed copier, "came to believe" -- tree, flat tire, that first sip of coffee, "can hear her voice".

May your Steps and koans become the catalyst for change.

Bill K.

"Koan" Means Public Case

Chinese Chan Master Linji (d.866) is considered, if I may use the term, the father of koan study. Because of the way he taught his students, using koans as a new element in teaching, Linji's methods spread quickly in China, Korea, Japan and to some extent Vietnam ... and continue today, primarily as the Rinzai (Japanese) school of Zen.

The word koan means "public case." Koans came about via encounter dialogs between Chan (Zen in Japanese) teacher and student. By the 11th century, they had been crafted into collections, the first by Wumen in 1229 called the Wu-men-kuan (Chinese), Mumonkan (Japanese), The Gateless Gate (English). There are around 1700 koans recorded; but less than half of them today are regularly used in koan study.

I'm supposing that Linji didn't simply go into his "study" and invent koans. They came as direct interactions with his students and others. He integrated them into his own practice. He had proof before his very eyes of the transformational properties of koans. He saw that koans were bringing freedom to others. His teaching method spread to other Chan masters.

Wait a minute! This is sounding all too familiar, like the process of how AA got its start.

Beginning about 75 years ago, Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob met. Since Bill had been sober for a while and Dr. Bob was trying to get sober, it would not be a stretch to say this was somewhat a teacher/student dialog. Together they created what we now know as Alcoholics Anonymous, a new method on how to stay sober. What worked for them (a form of "encounter dialogs") was shared with others... who in turn passed this method onto still others. Bill and Dr. Bob could
see some successes in their work. Like Linji, they didn't just sit in a coffee shop and invent AA -- it all came from trial and error, from working with other alcoholics, and practicing what was working to keep themselves sober. The 12 Steps spread far and wide because of how it was changing people's lives by allowing a "spiritual awakening" to come forth.

Just as koans were crafted into collections, the same process evolved in AA (thus all 12 Step programs), with the dialogs being the personal stories told by one drunk to another in the form of "what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like today." These personal stories have been crafted into the book Alcoholics Anonymous as well as the AA Grapevine Magazine. What we have here are anonymous cases!

"Solving a koan requires a leap to another level of comprehension," which may lead to an awakening. Koan (public case) practice, brings about freedom. Practicing the 12 Steps brings about awakening and freedom and a complete psychic change in the process. Just imagine the possibilities of practicing koans and the steps together.

Bill K.