What is my worth?

A glob of gum or a heart?

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to [others], and practice these principles in all our affairs. 

Koan:  What is my worth?

Just think about asking yourself this question when you were at Step One.  I for one would not have given myself much worth back then. Low self esteem …low self worth…I did not measure up to others.

What handicap?

Then we work the 12 Steps… With each Step a building upon of ”estimable acts” as some say.  Something miraculous happens along this path.  We are transformed into a different person. I am not the same person that began my 12 Step journey 28 years ago.

We think of worth as value.  After working Step 12, have I become more valuable to others?  More valuable to society?  More valuable to myself?  How do I do this?

I'm an outdoor cat

By carrying the message of the Steps to others… By practicing these principles in all my affairs. 

The origin of the word “worth” is interesting:

·      Old English – weorthan

·      Old High German – werdan … to become

·      Latin – vertere … to turn

For something to become valuable, it has to be compared with something of less value.  From our beginnings at Step One, compare that with completing the 12 Steps; another way then, of describing this koan, might be What have I become?

Ain't life grand?

What have I become after having had a spiritual awakening?  There are myriad examples in the Big Book:

·      More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. P.63

·      We come to rely upon it [inspiration]. P.87

·      …spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. P. 100

Responses yesterday to this koan came in various ways.  If you do these Steps, it’s worth it!  Setting a good example equals worth.  A bookkeeper brought up the notion of assets and liabilities showing net worth.  When we give, we receive more (worth)… freely giving of our self, gives us a sense of worth.

What a great place to be!

Bill K.

Step 12 Koan

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and practice these principles in all our affairs.

Koan:  What is my worth?

I invite you to sit with this koan ... begin right now ...where does it take you as apply it to Step 12?

Bill 

Step 11: Prayers that reach the gods

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.


Koan: "Collecting firewood and carrying water are prayers that reach the gods."
-- Layman Pang

There’s a lot of activity going on here, with both Step 11 and this koan … sought, consciousness, collecting, carrying and praying.  It’s really about our life right now.  To be truly aware of our daily activities is a gift.

·      Collecting firewood and carrying water

·      Brushing teeth and taking out the garbage

·      Going to a meeting and setting up chairs

·      Paying the water bill and emptying the cat box

The God’s will thing, I look at it this way – whatever is in front of me, whatever is happening right now, is what the Universe has presented me with.  This is my life for which I am grateful.  My thanks go to my Higher Power, the Universe … the Dharma.  Or when things go awry sometimes, caused by others or myself, it’s time for me to call for help.  “H.P, I need some help here.” This calling is prayer.  This seeking is prayer.

But first I need to be aware of matters.  Things and circumstances don’t exist unless I’m aware of them.  To be conscious of something is to be aware.  No matter what I’m doing, this doing offers a pathway, an opportunity for prayer.

As one person said last night, when I simplify work [awareness] I can listen to my heart.

Another person agreed that there is a lot going on here, a lot of stuff to do.  When I’m doing the 11th Step, it’s a form of self-caring.  When I’m collecting firewood and carrying water, this is also self-caring.  Praying and meditation is how I care for myself, too.

To be of maximum service to my Higher Power and other people, this is what we strive for.  In a village setting, collecting firewood and carrying water is a service for the common good.  Practicing Step 11 is a way to become good at helping others.  When I contribute to the greater good, it’s my prayers of action that bring about a rewarding life.

Bill K.

Step 11 Koan comes from Layman Pang

It's November already and we're sitting with Step Eleven.  This month's koan comes from Layman Pang.  We must also remember that Mrs. Pang and especially their daughter Ling Zhao were all very accomplished teachers.


Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Koan:  "Collecting firewood and carrying water are prayers that reach the gods."

Layman Pang

Layman Pang (P’ang Yun)
Pangun (Hoon)
740-808

Pang’s initial awakening was with Shih-t’ou and then later with Ma’tsu. Some would regard him a successor to both these masters. Although he remained a layman, he was well-regarded as a fine teacher wherever he and his family went:
The Layman was sitting in his thatched cottage one day [studying the sūtras]. “Difficult, difficult,” he said; “like trying to scatter ten measures of sesame seed all over a tree.” “Easy, easy,” Mrs. Pang said; “like touching
your feet to the ground when you get out of bed.” “Neither difficult nor easy,” Ling Zhao said; “…like the grasses growing. Bright, bright grass.”

Now is a perfect time to sit with this.

Bill K.

Step 10: Attention, Attention, Attention

Step 10:  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.  KOAN:  HERE'S AN OLD ZEN STORY: a student said to Master Ichu, "Please write for me something of great wisdom." Master Ichu picked up his brush and wrote one word: "Attention." The student said, "Is that all?" The master wrote, "Attention. Attention." The student became irritable. "That doesn't seem profound or subtle to me." In response, Master Ichu wrote simply, "Attention. Attention. Attention." In frustration, the student demanded, "What does this word 'attention' mean?" Master Ichu replied, "Attention means attention."

For "attention" we could substitute the word "awareness." Attention or awareness is the secret of life and the heart of practice. Like the student in the story, we find such a teaching disappointing; it seems dry and uninteresting. We want something exciting in our practice! Simple attention is boring: we ask, is that all there is to practice?

First, the student asks for “something of great wisdom”.  Here we are, sitting with Step 10 and it’s great wisdom and all that it has to offer – when we pay attention.

The teacher says “attention” once, twice, three times.  Oh how it is when we don’t pay attention.  Sometimes it takes three times.  This reminds me of one of the meetings I go to where the secretary announces, “Only bottled water is allowed in the room.”  Then it’s not uncommon, during the rest of the meeting, to see people amble in from the kitchen with a cup of coffee in their hands.  I was thinking if maybe I ought to give this koan to the secretary.

There’s a lot to pay attention to with Step 10:

·      By going about my day, and really paying attention to what’s going on regarding my actions and behavior.

·      There’s that section if the Big Book beginning with “When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.”  This requires attention.

·      By paying attention to what others are saying and noticing their body language.

·      By listening.

·      By noticing this relationship with others.

·      By noticing, perhaps I can head things off before a situation goes bad.

Master Ichu reminds me how it is when I’m not paying attention, how he eventually had to tell his student “attention -- attention, attention -- attention, attention, attention.”  By not paying attention I have missed out on things, missed hints and clues of what is happening right in front of me that would point to the next right thing.  Instead, I take a different direction; make a different choice, usually something to do with selfishness, which causes a problem to others (and myself).

There is great wisdom in Step 10, which allows us to make things right with the world.  When I am paying attention, this wisdom is right there and readily available…to promptly admit my wrongs. 

Bill

Steps 8 and 9: One Leads to the Other

STEP 8:  Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

And…

STEP 9:  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Koan:  "Just as surely as the tick bird follows the rhino." *

*Julius Nyerere, The first president of Tanganyika (now Tanzania)

Here’s a koan from outside our Zen tradition that came to me via NPR (National Public Radio).  I was just driving about town, heard this quotation, and it wouldn’t leave me.  This is what koans do.  As I was sitting with tick bird and rhino, Steps 8 and 9 joined in.

Do Steps 8 and 9 really deliver as advertised? Deliver freedom?  “Just as surely as the tick bird follows the rhino.”

 ·      The story begins when the rhinos bed down at night in the thick brush.  This is a safe place for them while they sleep.  But this is also the place where ticks hang out, waiting patiently for their free meal ticket.  They climb aboard the sleeping rhinos.  In Step 8 we begin by making our list of the people we have harmed.

·      Clinging to the rhino, the ticks begin to feed on the rhino’s blood.  Even though rhinos have a thick skin, there are many tiny capillaries near the surface.  Their blood sucking is irritating to the rhino.  The list we have made is not comfortable for us to sit with either –the things we did, and the people we have hurt eats at us.

·      Along come the tick birds who specialize in eating ticks, one-by-one, upon the rhino’s back.  Because we have become willing, each amend we make relieves us from our pain.  We begin to heal.  Making amends benefits us all. It brings about our freedom.

Bill K.

Getting Drenched

 

August --- Potluck

Koan:  “This is the stone, drenched in rain, that points the way.”

If you recall, “Potluck” here means that instead of sitting with one particular Step, this time we sat with all the Steps, all twelve of them.  We sat for 25 minutes.

It was a small but earnest group this past Friday, six of us, who seemed to really enjoy this koan and what it brought up.  As I suspected, several of the Steps came to mind for us. 

Examples:

Step 1 came to two of us – The first thing I thought of was when, at a meeting, there is someone who is obviously drunk.  “There’s a wet one over there.”  Yes indeed.  I was a wet one once.  I am the stone.

Who hasn’t been drenched in a sleeping bag?  Miserable conditions, cold, soaking wet and still hours away from dawn.  And it’s miserable to be drenched in our disease, drenched in selfishness, drenched in all that had rained down on me because of my addictive actions.

And if we’re lucky, our misery will point us to Step One.

One woman saw a glistening granite wall, the glistening being her tears.  “Much of my life has been full of tears.  Step three came to her as never before.  Her relationship with Step Three this evening was profound, “Way deeper than I have experienced before,” she said.  It’s about making a rock-solid decision! A decision that will give me a new life!

And Step 4… it’s [rock]hard to look at all my character defects…[rock]hard to realize how I have hurt others (and myself). But as these wash over me as I’m doing my 5^th Step, I can see that I am pointing in the right direction…what a relief!

“I am the stone,” another said, “All my past, present and future lie in that stone. Stones just lay there on the ground.  They’re humble, just being a stone.”  She went onto say how it is when looking at a dull, dry stone; then put water on it, brings out all sorts of colors, showing the rock’s true colors and beauty…true self.  My shortcomings arise out of this beauty, too, and these revelations point the way as in Step Seven.

We have a drought right now in California, one of the worst on record.  We need rain!  The other day we had a smidgeon of dampness, not even rain; but it was enough to moisten the streets.  Just the thought of this moisture and Step 12 brought this man gratitude.  Gratitude is always nearby.

Bill K.This evening of Twelve and Zen, drenched in recovery, brought smiles to us as we departed the building.

Bill K.

P.S.  How was this koan for you?  Don’t be shy…please tell me what Step came up for you as it related to this koan.