Here we are, summer is almost half over; Steps 8 and 9 have their way of revealing who we are.
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Koan: Yun Men, teaching the community, said, “Sickness and medicine correspond* to each other: the whole world is medicine, who are you?”
*Correspond or subdue or heal …
Bill K.
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Koan: “How many steps did it take to get to this room?”
~ Pacific Zen Miscellaneous Koans
[“…to get to this room?”, the teacher is asking about the room where they are sitting for one-on-one teaching. On a larger scale, how did we arrive at this place and time in our lives?
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If I had only applied myself better to my studies and not been so immature, I probably would not have flunked out of college on my first try. This likely would have resulted in getting a different degree, possibly working for the US Forest Service in a different state. Being a 22-year-old recent graduate, I would have been ripe for the Draft and off to Viet Nam. If I survived that, I’d most likely be married to a different woman.
· But I did flunk out of college, a step that directed my life.
· Following my cousin’s choice, I joined the Naval Reserve – six months of active duty training, then a commitment of one weekend a month plus two weeks in the summer, for 5 years. I was one of those Weekend Warriors.
· Then I found myself back living with my parents and taking classes at the local Junior College, to make up for all the Ds and Fs.
· Went back to the school that I had flunked out of, but it was no longer a fit. I dropped out which is better than flunking out.
Summer school and one quarter at another college, this time my grades were good enough and all is well.
· Early January, 1968, Beth and I had our first date. In my essentially zero experience of dating, she seemed like a pretty nice girl. So I asked her out again...
· January 19th, my reserve unit was recalled to active duty, report to NAS Alameda immediately! Oh no! Do you remember the USS Pueblo, the naval destroyer captured by North Korea? That’s why we were recalled. I would spend the week on the base and drive three hours north to see Beth on weekends.
I’ll speed things up. Getting called up to active duty was the catalyst that led to us getting married in July. We got an apartment in Walnut Creek. Beth would drive me to the base in the morning and pick me up after work. By December, our unit was released from active duty. In January I was back in school, and as they say, the rest is history – we will be celebrating our 54th anniversary next week.
I’ll date myself bringing up a 1950s TV show called “The Life of Riley”, where the star, William Bendix, would inevitably say, “what a revolt’n development this is.” How did my difficult development come to be?
With some reflection, I can usually retrace my steps back to reveal the evolution of my troubles; either (a) a way comes to me via AA principles for resolving my problem or (b) it does not. Others may ask or I ask myself, “Have you tried Steps 6 and 7?” Caught in my self-imposed jail, Steps 6 and 7 are a spiritual Get Out of Jail FREE card.
Step 6 greases the skids to Step 7…and the ideal lubricant for greasing the skids is admitting my powerlessness over it all. When in doubt, go to your Higher Power.
The steps I might have taken had I not flunked out; the steps I did take have led me to writing this blog; and what about the steps it took for me to become an alcoholic, and the steps it took for me to get sober, and the steps it takes for me to stay sober…every one of these developments has required taking certain steps – some leading to revolt’n developments – and some leading to gratifying developments.
Bill K.
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Koan: “How many steps did it take to get to this room?”
~ Pacific Zen Miscellaneous Koans
(How we arrived at this place and time in our lives)
Bill K.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Koan: In the dark, darken further.
(Daodejing)
Page 82, Roshi Joan Sutherland’s Acequias,
Miscellaneous Writings on Koans
Just the thought of darkening, I’m compelled to bring my longtime (30+ years) friend Jerry Adamowicz into this posting. For decades we had a bantering commentary on light and dark. Twice a year we would kid each other about what was about to come. On December 21st, he being the extrovert would say with a big grin, “You know, the days are going to get longer now.” I would go “Arrgghh” and we’d laugh. Come June, I being the introvert would reciprocate, “You know, the days are going to get shorter now,” where he would go “Arrgghh” and we would laugh. At the end of this post is a link to Jerry’s Obituary.
We all have known people, upon reading Steps 4 and 5, immediately say, “I’m not going there.” They’ve painted these Steps in foreboding darkness. Those who refuse these Steps eventually leave the fellowship and end up drinking, which leads back to the very darkness they were trying to avoid.
I consider myself very fortunate. Willingness came to me early on. In the three-week residential treatment center, I listened and did what was asked of me. When it came to Steps 4 and 5 with my sponsor, I listened and did what he asked of me, through the times of my feeling guilt, shame, and remorse, etc. I had trusted the process through Steps 1-3, and after hearing some of the things he told me about himself, what he had done (and I hadn’t done), I didn’t balk at Step 4 or 5. The proof, my sponsor sitting right in front of me. Angelo had 3 ½ years of sobriety when I asked him to be my sponsor. He was happy with his life, and sober. I wanted that. With his direction, we finished the Steps and I found sobriety and happiness.
Thank you, Angelo Flores (February 3,1945 - May 13,2022). In the last weeks, he was sleeping almost 24 hours a day. There were times when he seemed to not recognize me, not even a smile. The last time I saw him, three days before he passed, he smiled. i kissed him on the forehead. "Can you give me a kiss," I said, putting my cheek next to his lipsI "Smooch." I know he knows that I love him and will miss him.
Do I find myself in those places where things look their darkest? Of course I do. Is it foreboding, dangerous, threatening and a place to escape from?
Sometimes yes in physical situations. In the darkening in our koan here, instead of trying to escape, it’s asking us to darken further. What is that?
Writing down my 4th Step and acknowledging my part in situations is the way I embraced all of what the darkness had to offer, including mental anguish. Then Angelo asked me to make a fourth column revealing my role in these matters. It’s progressing through these Steps where light appears; the light of awareness of who I was when drinking; the light of awareness of who I could become in sobriety; and the light to better relate to the alcoholic who still suffers.
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| Figure 1 |
I will continue to have dark times and light times – just as our planet spins, keeping half the world dark and half the world light at all times. These natural forces bring us light and dark every day. At any given moment, nearly half the world is dark and nearly have the world is light, and the remaining parts neither entirely dark or entirely light.
The yin-yang symbol, or “taijitu” as it’s often referred to in China, can be helpful here and as you may recall, I used it a few months ago in my commentary about Steps 3 and 4. In this philosophy, the “universe is governed by a cosmic duality, sets of two opposing and complementing principles or cosmic energies that can be observed in nature.” Figure 1. The opposing principles are the black side and the white side. The complementing principles are the dark dot in the white side and the white dot in the dark side.
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| Figure 2 |
We Westerners seem to operate under a “taijitu” of only the two opposing principles. Figure 2. We tend to get caught up in the absolute duality of things – something is either good or bad, you’re either with us or against us, I’m either happy or sad. Having this perspective is limiting and not helpful at all when working Steps 4 and 5.
And something we view as whole right now will change later on. The taijitu represents a realistic view of what wholeness looks like in the moment and how the universe works. Wholeness in the moment, though, is fluid and everchanging. One moment looks like Figure 1 and two seconds later looks like Figure 3.
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| Figure 3 |
Step 4 says “we must take a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves.” The goal is to uncover or reveal the dark aspects of our past. The real darkness is how our culture wants us to keep our emotions like shame and guilt hidden in the darkness. At the same time, as hard as it may be, we try to remember that we carry along a kernel within us that is light and good…going into the dark parts knowing that it’s not entirely dark. Let Figure 1 be that reminder to bring along the whole you, the dark side and the light side.
Revealed in the Big Book on page 417 is an example of this very taijitu. “A.A. and acceptance taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us.”
Perhaps Bill W. had been reading James Truslow Adams? “There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault in the rest of us. James Truslow Adams (October 18, 1878-May 18, 1949)
Dark side, light side, neither side is autonomous. Together they make a whole. A dynamic whole that moves between yin and yang, ebb and flow, this is the way of the universe. This is the way of Steps 4 and 5, together a whole, a process to be embraced. To Darken further actually takes us to the other side, where there’s more light. On page 324 in big Book, it says the dark past [is the] greatest possession we have. This is how we darken further, and by knowing our wholeness we can better carry the A.A. message to others.
- - -
A day later, Joanie L. sums it up, "...to open to the darkness...my eyes have adjusted to the darkness and now I see clearly."
Bill K.
P.S. Other good dark things? Dark coffee and dark chocolate.
Jerry’s Obituary:
https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/pressdemocrat/name/jerome-adamowicz-obituary?id=32245673
I'm late in posting this! My apologies... vehicle repair, house guest, shower contractor communications and my aging brain contributed.
Plenty of time, though...this is what we'll be sitting with for April/May.
Bill K.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Koan: In the dark, darken further.
Misc. Koans p. 82 Roshi Joan Sutherland’s Book
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
The monk did as instructed, and returned, saying “Master Ma said ‘In the thirty years since the barbarian uprising, I’ve never lacked for salt or sauce.’”
Nanyue approved of this answer.
~ Andy Ferguson, Zen’s Chinese Heritage, p. 56
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I have a folder on my desktop for next year’s possible 12&Zen koans. Whenever a koan comes to me and it resonates with the Steps, I’ll put it in this folder. This koan came to me via Jon Joseph Roshi’s Monday announcements back on November 8, 2021. How did this koan know I would need it so now? This is what a koans do.
Most of us, in our youth, had a “second mom” – the mom of our very best friend. My wife’s second mom passed away on January 8th. And my friend Jerry, we were fixtures at meetings for 30+ years; he died on January 9th from cancer. On January 12th, our beloved dog Wendy died unexpectedly. Then on January 28th the other grandfather to our grandsons tripped and fell, hitting his head and died on the spot. January was a month of shock, loss, and grief. What’s going on?
Most importantly, not once did I have any thoughts that my higher power was doing this to me; instead, I’d like to believe it’s my ancestral Zen teachers asking, “What are you going to do with this?” What if I seek refuge in Steps 2 and 3?
From out of nowhere, 8th Century Shih-t’ou Xiqian gave me some reassuring words on the harmony of Difference and Sameness said …Light and dark are a pair, like the front and back foot walking. This is what I’ve been doing, putting one foot in front of the other, going where this koan is pointing.
When I take things back in self-will, holding on or pushing away, and not in collaboration with HP, things don’t go smoothly, I stumble. But when I embraced my sorrow and joy as each was happening, carrying them together with the universe, there came an ease in my walk that day. I felt this space open up and I attribute that to being in communion with Step 3. Bill W. would call this his “God-consciousness within.”.
The God Thing?
It’s been a while since I talked about the “God” thing – the thing that’s been a troublesome concept for quite a few people when they come to AA, especially so for those who’ve had bad experiences with the church they grew up in. It’s not a new problem; after all, there’s an entire chapter dedicated to atheists and agnostics. It was around before the Big Book even rolled off the press.
Founder Bill W. writes about “...the vestiges of my old prejudice. When the thought was expressed that there might be a God personal to me this feeling was intensified.” And then his friend suggested “what then seemed a novel idea...Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?” We know it In the Fourth Edition in the chapter called “A Vicious Cycle,” where the writer said, “...so my only contribution to their literary efforts was my firm conviction – since I was a theological rebel – that the word God should be qualified with the phrase, ‘as we understand Him.’” A powerful suggestion indeed! Keeping this phrase in mind, we can have a personal higher power of our own choosing that doesn’t even have to be a god. A non-theistic god!
There are numerous ways I can accept this quotation from a 12 & Zen perspective:
What do I do with the “God’s will” concept in the Big Book?
There was a well-known U.S. Buddhist teacher who got sober in the rooms of AA; but has since decided that AA is not for Buddhists. One of his complaints was that AA is a religion (it is not) and he has to decipher the Big Books verbiage into Buddhist terms. This has not been my experience at all. “We have ceased fighting everyone and everything” (P. 84). By choosing a higher power of my own understanding, in all its manifestations, the Big Book automatically comes alive for me. Instead of fighting over these supposed differences, I welcome them. The Big Book reminds me of Zen sutras – Zen sutras remind me of the Big Book, with each enriching the other.
How do I follow “the will of God” as written throughout the Big Book? What’s really being asked of me is to align my behavior with various codes of preferred conduct. Do what is right. All I need to do is pivot to Buddhism’s Eightfold Path (or the 16 Zen Precepts) to see how to conduct myself.
Eightfold Path
Right Understanding
Right Thought
Right Speech
Right Action
Right Livelihood
Right Effort
Right Mindfulness
Right Concentration
When I come across the phrase “…praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out,” little effort is required to pray for the understanding of the Eightfold Path and the power to carry that out.
A year after the Big Book was printed, Dr. Bob’s Akron Group commissioned a pamphlet called “Spiritual Milestones in Alcoholics Anonymous.” They included the Eightfold Path saying, “…these eight points, could be literally adopted by AA as a substitute for an addition to the Twelve Steps. Generosity, universal love and welfare of others rather than consideration of self are basic to Buddhism.”
So close…I find this very gratifying to see Buddhist philosophy acknowledged so early in AA history. Had our founders discovered this earlier, it might have made it into the Big Book. Come to think of it, it’s spirit is throughout the Big Book already..
Back to my morning walk … by letting go and surrendering, which is all about Step 3, joyful thoughts from the past appeared; these led me into feeling grateful for it all.
Grief in balance with
The love for another
Produces gratitude
In my small mind day-to-day realm, I feel as if I have a symbiotic relation with the universe (whatever is happening). I’m a part of it all. I’m not a free floating disconnected spare part. In the realm of my practice, I’m a contributing participant, simply trying to be a decent human being, and bring a little goodness into the world. In February I began experiencing the harmony of joy and sorrow, the harmony of Step 2 and Step 3, and the harmony of coming and going. It appears, that even with this January uprising of losses, I’ve never lacked for salt or sauce!
Yes, the wind was knocked out of my sails - - but not all the wind - - I’m still moving forward…even gaining speed as the days pass. Taking in my surroundings is connecting to my spirit source. It not only includes my conscious contact, it includes all my senses. The warm morning sun on my face when the air is still freezing; a gentle breeze rustling my clothes; catching the fragrance from unseen flowers; and quietly feeling our presence together - -` is enough. This is that space for revelations, for changing perceptions, and realizing it’s been a good day.
There’s more. When I’m looking “deeply into the form of the universe,” I see birth and death corresponding to each other, by carrying them in my heart-mind, not as one, not as two. This is the same for health and sickness, sorrow and joy, Step 2 and Step, Zen Buddhism and 12 Step Programs…
Just yesterday I learned that Angelo, my one and only sponsor, whose had health issues for quite some time, was sent home from the hospital to hospice care. Words from The Five Remembrances came to mind:
Leader: I am of the nature to have ill health.
All: There is no way to escape ill health.
Leader: I am of the nature to die.
All: There is no way to escape this.
Oh, how I appreciate my life just now…
“What are you looking for?” wrote Linji Yixuan (d. 866), “This person of the Way who depends on nothing, here before my eyes now listening to the Dharma - - your brightness shines clearly, you have never lacked anything.”
From the Record of Linji
May you find your space…
Bill K.
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
KOAN: Mazu eventually left his teacher Nanyue and established his own community. For some time, Nanyue had not heard from Mazu, so he dispatched a monk to his former student’s place and instructed him, “Wait until he enters the hall to speak, and then ask him “What’s going on?’ Take note of his answer, and then bring it back and tell me.”
The monk did as instructed and returned, saying “Master Ma said ‘In the thirty years since the barbarian uprising, I’ve never lacked for salt or sauce.’
Nanyue approved of this answer.
~ Andy Ferguson, Zen’s Chinese Heritage, p. 56
